01.Boundaries 6/7/01 5:04 PM Page Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries Boundaries Workbook Boundaries audio Boundaries video curriculum Boundaries in Dating Workbook Boundaries in Dating audio Boundaries in Dating curriculum Boundaries in Marriage Workbook Boundaries in Marriage audio Boundaries with Kids Workbook Boundaries with Kids audio Changes That Heal (Cloud) Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud) Changes That Heal audio (Cloud) Hiding from Love (Townsend) The Mom Factor Workbook The Mom Factor audio Raising Great Kids Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers Raising Great Kids audio Safe People Safe People Workbook Safe People audio Twelve “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy Click on the titles below to read excerpts from other books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries with Kids Boundaries in Dating The Mom Factor 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page BOUNDARIES When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life Dr Henry Cloud Dr John Townsend 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page Boundaries Adobe ® Acrobat ® ebook Reader đ format Copyright â 1992 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for the print edition of this title ISBN 0-310-24375-0 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSIONđ (North American Edition) Copyright â 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House All rights reserved Verses marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, © 1960 by the Lockman Foundation; verses marked NRSV are taken from the New Revised Standard Version, © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher Since the case studies in this book are composites from Dr Henry Cloud’s and Dr John Townsend’s practices, we have not attempted to identify which author is counseling which client All names and circumstances have been fictionalized to protect privacy Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA Interior designed by Bob Hudson Cover designed by John M Lucas Cover illustration by Michael McGovern 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page To Henry and Louise Cloud and John and Rebecca Townsend, whose training in boundaries made a difference in our lives 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page Contents Acknowledgments PART I: WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? A Day in a Boundaryless Life What Does a Boundary Look Like? Boundary Problems How Boundaries Are Developed Ten Laws of Boundaries Common Boundary Myths 11 25 47 59 81 101 PART II: BOUNDARY CONFLICTS 10 11 12 13 Boundaries and Your Family Boundaries and Your Friends Boundaries and Your Spouse Boundaries and Your Children Boundaries and Work Boundaries and Your Self Boundaries and God 121 135 148 165 191 206 226 PART III: DEVELOPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES 14 Resistance to Boundaries 15 How to Measure Success with Boundaries 16 A Day in a Life with Boundaries Notes About the Authors Excerpt from other books by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend About the Publisher 237 267 285 295 297 298 356 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page Acknowledgments S cott Bolinder and Bruce Ryskamp caught the vision for this book from the very beginning They arranged for a retreat on Lake Michigan, where we passed this vision on to other Zondervan staff members Sandy Vander Zicht directed the editorial process and finetuned the manuscript into a book that is more graceful, more precise, and easier to read and understand Dan Runyon cut the book down to a manageable size Dave Anderson translated this book into a video curriculum Sealy Yates encouraged and supported us throughout the whole process, from contract to finished book 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page PART ONE WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 10 ... 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page BOUNDARIES When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life Dr Henry Cloud Dr John Townsend 01 .Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page Boundaries Adobe ® Acrobat ® ebook... CONFLICTS 10 11 12 13 Boundaries and Your Family Boundaries and Your Friends Boundaries and Your Spouse Boundaries and Your Children Boundaries and Work Boundaries and Your Self Boundaries and God... 206 226 PART III: DEVELOPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES 14 Resistance to Boundaries 15 How to Measure Success with Boundaries 16 A Day in a Life with Boundaries Notes About the Authors Excerpt from other