THE GIFT OF OUR Compulsions THE GIFT OF OUR Compulsions A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Acceptance and Healing MARY O’MALLEY NEW WORLD LIBRARY N OVATO , C ALIFORNIA New World Library 14 Pamaron Way Novato, California 94949 Copyright © 2004 by Mary O’Malley All rights reserved This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, or other without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review Front cover design by Mary Ann Casler Text design and typography by Tona Pearce Myers Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data O’Malley, Mary The gift of our compulsions : a revolutionary approach to self-acceptance and healing / Mary O’Malley.— 1st ed p cm Includes bibliographical references and index ISBN 1-57731-470-0 (pbk : alk paper) Compulsive behavior Self-acceptance Healing I Title RC533.O436 2004 616.85'84—dc22 2004011494 First printing, October 2004 ISBN 1-57731-470-0 Printed in Canada on 100% postconsumer waste recycled paper A proud member of the Green Press Initiative Distributed to the trade by Publishers Group West 10 This book is dedicated to the wellspring of deep wisdom in us all May each of us discover its truth, living from its clarity, love, and support In this living, the world will be healed Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi Part One The Healing Journey My Journey, Our Journey Reconnecting with Yourself .15 Part Two Transforming Our Relationship with Compulsions Recognizing Our Compulsions as Friends .33 Learning to Respond .41 Moving from Management to Engagement 51 Part Three Four Basic Skills for Working with Compulsions Some Fundamentals for Learning the Skills 75 Skill One: Cultivating Curiosity 89 Skill Two: Loving Ourselves from the Inside Out 115 Skill Three: Opening to Our Breath 145 10 Skill Four: Coming Home to Ourselves 161 Part Four Treasure Hunting 11 Preparing to Find the Treasure .191 12 The Healing Power of Questions 197 13 Treasure Hunting with Sensations .225 14 Treasure Hunting with Feelings 245 15 Treasure Hunting with Compulsions 273 Conclusion: Coming Full Circle 301 Appendix: Handy Reference Guide to Skills and Techniques 305 Notes 315 Resources 319 Index 321 About the Author 335 Acknowledgments A book is a living process funneled through the mind and heart of the author, with much assistance from many different directions This was certainly true in the creation of this book So many wonderful, committed, and inspired people supported its birth, and they have my deep gratitude for the parts they played: MarySue Phillips: the midwifery of your deep wisdom and your unfailing commitment to this work is appreciated beyond words Virginia Howell: your feedback took this book to a whole new level Thank you for being there in so many ways Vaughan and Lyn Mason: this book wouldn’t have happened without your support in ways that are too numerous to mention Nancy Murray: your razor-sharp ability to cut the superfluous parts in a way I could handle is amazing! I am so glad we are together in this life Nancy Hutto, Barb Yamasaki, and Dee Smethurst: your sharp eyes and understanding of language, along with your resonance with the heart of this book, brought it to a higher level of clarity and professionalism The Compulsion Groups: the feedback you gave after reading the first draft was invaluable, and I am so thankful you are all in my life Mark Ricker and Patrick Hill: you kept me up and running when the world of computers brought me to my knees! Mimi Kusch, my manuscript editor at New World Library: to work with an editor as skilled as you was pure joy Through your insight and expertise you simplified, clarified, and enhanced this book My heart says thank you ix Index responding to compulsions, 50 sensations, 244 skills overview, 86–87 treasure hunting, 194–95 treasure hunting with compulsions, 299–300 counseling, 64–65, 132, 278 courage, 301 curiosity, 89–113 awakening practices, 102–12 and awakening the wellspring of wisdom, 101–2 and connection with ourselves, 95–96 and contact with life, 91–95 core ideas, 113 cultivating, through questions, 199–200 definition of, 91 and engagement, 63–64, 69–71 exercises, 89, 92, 103, 107–8 and information, 96–98 and letting go, 100 overview, xvii, 89–91 passionate, and treasure hunting with compulsions, 284–86, 299 presence to ourselves, 89–90, 107–8 Returning Practice for awakening, 102–6, 113, 176 vs struggle, 90–91 transformation through, 98–101 watching/naming our thoughts, 105–7, 113 Weather Reporting, 108–12, 113 See also engagement D Dante Alighieri, 193 dark vs light traits, 246–47 delight, 177, 178 See also being, joy of depression, 22 despair compassion toward, 259–60 concealed, 35 during/following a wave of compulsion, 6–7, 22, 52–53 following waves of compulsion, 282–83, 300 types and sources of, 248 universality of, 303 dieting, 7, 8, 44, 52 discipline, 289 distraction, constructive, 82–83 DNA, 155 doing vs being, xviii, 6, 13, 173–74, 178 drinking, 277–78 drug rehabs, 44 duality flips, 202 E Earth, creativity of, 120–23 Earth, healing of, 303 eating disorder programs, 44 Einstein, Albert, 282 emotions, breathing into, 149–50, 160 empowered no, 45, 153, 262–63, 288–92, 295, 300 energy-flow exercises, 46, 47 325 The Gift of Our Compulsions engagement, 51–71 in action, 67–70 core ideas, 70–71 and curiosity, 63–64, 69–71 definition of, 53 and forgiveness, 58–63, 71 listening to the monster of compulsion, 63–67 vs management/control, 51–52, 64–66, 70–71, 173 overview, xvii, 51–54 and resistance to compulsions, 51, 63–64 and respect, 54–58, 71 and trusting ourselves, 53 and wisdom’s inner wellspring, 52–53 enoughness See being; coming home to ourselves exercises/meditations acceptance, 135 attention to the body, 171–72 ball of love meditation, 140, 282 Balloon Breath, 150, 232–33, 266, 308 breathing, 146, 150, 157–58, 242 Breath of Fire, 242, 308 “Can I let this be here?” 232–33 “Can I touch this with compassion?” 234 coming home to ourselves, 167, 171–72, 180–81 compulsions as friends, 34 curiosity, 89, 92, 103, 107–8 energy flow, 46, 47 feelings, 266–67 joy of being, 180–81 lost child meditation, 139, 263–64, 282 loving ourselves, 130, 136, 139–41 meeting pain, 180–81 movement, 242 responding to compulsions, 46, 47 safety of opening to life, 167 sensations, 229, 232–33, 238, 242 Tonglen, 150, 232–33, 266 voice of kindness, 141, 282 “What am I experiencing?” 229 “What I truly need?” 236 exercising, 294 experience, 93, 182–83 See also “What am I experiencing?” F face massage, 183–84 fear of being, 163, 183 of connectedness, 163 feelings rooted in, 257 following waves of compulsion, 279–80, 300 meeting, 249, 279 as overwhelming, 173 resistance to, 96 types of, 248 universality of, 303 feelings, 245–71 anger, 202, 248, 255–57, 280 asking for help, 268, 271 breathing into, 149–50, 160 326 Index burying/numbing, 36–37, 39–40 “Can I let this be here?” 253–57 “Can I touch this with compassion?” 257–60 compulsions as highlighting, 24–25 core ideas, 270–71 distrust of, 35 enhancing questions with our breath, 266–67 exaggerating, 184–85, 269 exercises, 266–67 following waves of compulsion, 279–80 grief, 290–91 happiness, 248 “I see you I’m here” statements, 250, 260, 271 “It’s okay” statements, 254–56, 258, 260–61, 271 letting go, 251 meeting, 10–11, 21–26, 29, 203, 249, 270–71, 284–88 and movement, 268–69 overview, 245–48 as overwhelming, 173 perceived as bad, 34–35 release lacking, 268–70 resistance to, 252–53 sensations generated by, 227–28, 244 “This is it” statements, 265, 271 using the four questions, 248–67 (see also specific questions) “What am I experiencing?” 249–53, 256 “What I truly need?” 261–66 “What is the way through this?” 262, 263 See also despair; fear; pain fight-or-flight response, 231 fishing metaphor, 82 focuses of attention, 102–3, 104–5, 106 forgiveness, 58–63 extending, 59–60 as letting go, 58, 71 of ourselves, 62–63 receiving, 60–62 Fox, Matthew, 115–16, 169 Frost, Robert, 270 G generosity, 265 glucose, 147 God, 156 See also Intelligence of the Universe good-bye to compulsions, 311 gratitude, 137–38, 265, 313 “The Guest House” (Rumi), 54–55 gut feelings, 101 See also wisdom, wellspring of H Ha quality, 262 hara (knowing within our bellies), 101 See also wisdom, wellspring of Harlow, Harry, 37 hatred See self-hatred 327 The Gift of Our Compulsions head, feeling-generated sensations in, 227–28 healing force, 147 heart See loving ourselves help, asking for, 77–78, 268, 271, 305–6 Hitler, Adolf, 133 home See coming home to ourselves Homer, 193 horses, gentling vs breaking, 42–43 The Horse Whisperer, 42–43 house of your being, 17–21, 22–23, 28–29 “How can I bring compassion to this?” 131, 212–13, 287, 309 “How can I give this space to be?” 211–12, 309 “In this moment, what am I experiencing?” exercise, 229 and feelings, 249–53, 256 intent, 309 overview, 68–69, 105, 107–8, 199–201, 203, 207, 216 and sensations, 228–31, 243 and speaking our truth, 311–12 and treasure hunting with compulsions, 276–77, 286 “I see you I’m here” statements, 250, 260, 271, 287 “It’s okay” statements, 254–56, 258, 260–61, 271, 287, 303–4, 312–13 J I “I am” vs “my body is” statements, 111–12 imperfections, perfection in, 133–34, 142 Inferno (Dante), 193 information and curiosity, 96–98 inspiration, 146 intellect See mind, living in; thoughts Intelligence of the Universe and breathing, 154–56 and coming home to ourselves, 163–64 and engagement, 55–56 and questions, 207–8, 210–11, 223 and wisdom’s wellspring, 274–75 (see also wisdom, wellspring of) Jesus, 45, 306 the journey, 5–14 as a birthright, 13 coming full circle, 301–4 core ideas, 13–14 history of, 5–7 learning to listen, 7–11 overview, 5–7 presence to ourselves, 11–13 and trusting ourselves, and wisdom’s inner wellspring, 5, 12 Joyce, James, 168 judgment See self-judgment K Kabat-Zinn, Jon, 134–35, 175 ki (healing force), 147 328 Index kindness, voice of, 140–41, 282 Kornfield, Jack, 141, 258 Krishnamurti, Jiddu, 96 Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, 133 definition of, 116 and Earth as a schoolroom of the heart, 119–23 exercises, 130, 136, 139–41 gratitude lists, 137–38 hearts closed tight, 139–42 listening deeply, 130–32 lost child meditation, 139, 263–64, 282 love as a force field, 121–22 loving others through, 141 memories of, 16 mercy in, 118–19, 124, 127–28 overview, xvii, 115–17 seeing ourselves, 127, 138 and trusting ourselves, 5, 13 voice of kindness, 140–41, 282 Watching Self-Judgment, 128–30 what separates us from love, 117–19 and wisdom’s inner wellspring, 120 See also compassion L Let It Be (Beatles), 201 letters to compulsions, 59–60, 61, 63 letting go through breathing, 176 and curiosity, 100 of feelings, 251 as forgiveness, 58, 71 letting something be See “Can I let this be here?” Levine, Stephen, 95, 156, 177, 233 life’s purpose, 121 light, inner, 169–70 light vs dark traits, 246–47 listening deep, 130–32 learning to listen, 7–11 and trust, 131–32 willingness to listen, 206 The Little Prince (Saint-Exupéry), 306 loneliness, 22 love, poem about, 304 loving ourselves, 115–43 accepting ourselves as we are, 118–20, 125, 132–37, 142 ball of love meditation, 140, 282 compulsions as teaching us to love, 123–28, 142 and connection with ourselves, 95 core ideas, 142–43 M Maharaj, Sri Nisargadatta, 120 managing vs engaging with compulsions See engagement massage, 170, 182, 183–84 meditations See exercises/meditations mercy in healing shame, 118–19, 124 ideas and techniques, 306–7 in loving ourselves, 118–19, 124, 127–28 toward pain, 180–81 See also compassion; loving ourselves 329 The Gift of Our Compulsions Merton, Thomas, 137 mind, living in, 19–21, 168 mirrors, for seeing ourselves, 127, 138 mistakes, beating ourselves up for, 118 models, fashion, 168 Moody Blues, 265 movement, 184, 240–43, 268–69, 309–10 N naming, power of See “What am I experiencing?” neck, feeling-generated sensations in, 227–28 needs See “What I truly need?” negative vs positive traits, 246–47 nervous system, 148, 239 nests for comfort, 185, 268–69 Nhat Hanh, Thich, 174, 247 no, empowered, 45, 153, 262–63, 288–92, 295, 300 num (healing force), 147 O Odyssey (Homer), 193 opening the heart See loving ourselves opening to help, 214 opening to our breath See breathing overeating, 7–8, 185, 277, 281 oxygen, 147 P pain breathing into, 149, 160, 165, 166 exercise, 180–81 meeting, 180–81 opening around vs resisting, 165–66, 186 relief from, 134–35 types of, 180 parasympathetic nervous system, 148, 239 patience, 79–81, 86 Paul, the Apostle, 168 pause that refreshes, 176–77, 312 peace, 148–49 perfection, 20, 133–34, 142 Plato, 168–69 positive vs negative traits, 246–47 prana (healing force), 147 presence to ourselves vs being caught in our story, 264–65 and compassion, 205 through curiosity, 89–90, 107–8 exercise, 107–8 on the journey, 11–13 through questions, 200 price of compulsions, 276–79 problems and solutions, 209 progress, 302 Q questions, healing power of, 197–223 breathing as enhancing, 238–39, 266–67 check-in questions, 68–69, 105, 107–8, 179, 198, 199–207, 223, 308–9 330 Index core ideas, 223 daily-life applications, 218–22 “How can I bring compassion to this?” 131, 212–13, 309 “How can I give this space to be?” 211–12, 309 living in vs asking questions, 197 open-ended questions, 198, 207–17, 223, 308–9 overview, xviii, 197–98 variations on questions, 215–18 “What is asking to be seen?” 204, 211, 309 “What is the way through this?” 213–15, 308–9 See also “Can I let this be here?”; “Can I touch this with compassion?”; “What am I experiencing?”; “What I truly need?” R Radner, Gilda, 163 rage, 202, 248, 255–57, 280 reacting vs responding, 42, 43–44, 69, 202–3 rebellion, 83–85 reconnecting with ourselves, 15–29 childhood connection with ourselves, 15–16, 17–18, 29 comfort through, 37–38 core ideas, 28–29 entering the circle of warmth, 26–28 inhabiting the house of your being, 17–21, 22–23, 28–29 opening the door to your feelings, 21–26, 29 overview, 11–12, 15–17 thoughts, hiding from life through, 19, 29 and wisdom’s inner wellspring, 26–29 wounding in childhood, 18 remembering, 310 resentment, 58 resistance vs acceptance, 135–37 to fear, 96 to feelings, 252–53 honoring, 82–85, 87 persistence of what we resist, 42, 179, 201 respect, 54–58, 71 responding, 41–50 core ideas, 50 exercises, 46, 47 moving beyond struggle, 42–46 overview, 41–42 possibilities, 46–49 vs reacting, 42, 43–44, 69, 202–3 Returning Practice for awakening curiosity, 102–6, 113, 176 Robert, Monty, 42–43 Roosevelt, Eleanor, 279, 280 Rumi, Jelaluddin, 54–55, 121–22 S safety through control, 19, 21, 164 in opening to life, 163–67, 186 331 The Gift of Our Compulsions Saint-Exupéry, Antoine de, 306 sanctuary, breathing as, 149, 160 seeing ourselves, 127, 138 self-acceptance, 118–20, 125, 132–37, 142 self-hatred, 6–7, 22, 303 self-improvement, 117–18, 142 selfishness, 173–75 self-judgment and curiosity, 98 and distrust of feelings, 35 and engagement, 52–53 exercise for watching, 130 following waves of compulsion, 280–82, 300 shame resulting from, 118 and struggle, 6–7 watching, 128–30 self-love See loving ourselves sensations, 225–44 basic vs generated by feelings, 227–28 “Can I let this be here?” 231–33 “Can I touch this with compassion?” 233–35 checking in throughout the day, 243 core ideas, 244 enhancing questions with our breath, 238–39 exercises, 229, 232–33, 238, 242 feelings as generating, 227–28, 244 and movement, 240–43 overview, 225–26 release lacking, 239–43 as teacher of our bodies, 226–27 using the four questions, 227–38 “What am I experiencing?” 228–31, 243 “What I truly need?” 235–38, 244 “What is the way through this?” 240 September 11 (2001) terrorist attacks, 290–91 Serenity Prayer, 68 sex, 182 shame, 118–19, 124, 128–29 shoulders, feeling-generated sensations in, 227–28 “Show me,” 306 silence, 185 singing, 242 skills overview, 75–87 asking for help, 77–78 core ideas, 86–87 discovering our truth, 81 field-maze metaphor, 76–78 honoring resistance and rebellion, 82–85, 87 patience, 79–81, 86 permission to be conscious, 78–79 See also breathing; coming home to ourselves; curiosity; loving ourselves skills reference guide, 305–13 ask for help, 305–6 be merciful, 306–7 breathe, 308 live in questions, 308–9 332 Index move, 309–10 remember, 310 say good-bye, 311 speak our truth, 311–12 take a refreshing pause, 312 tell yourself it’s okay, 312–13 thank our compulsion, 313 smiling, 243 smoking, 57, 281 snakes, 55–56, 247–48 speed, love of, 148–49 stimulants, 148 stomach See belly story vs experience of life, 105–7, 113 struggle, xv–xvi, 6–7 vs curiosity, 90–91 moving beyond, 42–46 scope of, 199 See also resistance surrender, 214 sympathetic nervous system, 148 number experienced, 90 watching/naming, 105–7, 113 Tonglen, 150, 232–33, 266 transformation through curiosity, 98–101 treasure hunting, 99, 191–95 See also compulsions, treasure hunting with; feelings; questions, healing power of; sensations “true”/”truly,” definition of, 206 trusting others, 111, 131–32 trusting ourselves and our compulsions, 5, 53, 286, 303 truth definition of, 45 discovering our truth, 81 of love (see loving ourselves) as setting us free, 45–46 speaking our truth, 311–12 of who we are, 304 20/20 Downtown, 119 T tan tien (knowing within our bellies), 101 See also wisdom, wellspring of techniques See skills overview; skills reference guide tension, 172, 241–43 “This is it” statements, 265, 271 thoughts attention to thoughts vs body, 48 vs experiences, 182–83 hiding from life through, 19, 29 V vulnerability, 182 W wants, 206 war, 84 warmth, circle of, 26–28 warriors, 85, 87 Weather Reporting (reporting on what we are experiencing), 108–12, 113 333 The Gift of Our Compulsions weight gain, xvi, 44, 52 wellspring of wisdom See wisdom, wellspring of “What am I experiencing?” exercise, 229 and feelings, 249–53, 256 intent, 309 overview, 68–69, 105, 107–8, 199–201, 203, 207, 216 and sensations, 228–31, 243 and speaking our truth, 311–12 and treasure hunting with compulsions, 276–77, 286 “What I need to say, do, or be that is for my highest good?” 306 “What I truly need?” exercise, 236 and feelings, 261–66 intent, 309 overview, 179, 205–7, 217–18 and sensations, 235–38, 244 and treasure hunting with compulsions, 283, 292–93 “What is asking to be seen?” 204, 211, 286, 309 “What is love’s wisdom in this moment?” 306 “What is the way through this?” and asking for help, 306 and feelings, 262, 263 intent, 309 overview, 213–15 and sensations, 240 and treasure hunting with compulsions, 283–84, 288 Wiley, Grace, 55–56, 247–48 Winfrey, Oprah, 192, 193 wisdom, wellspring of awakening through curiosity, 101–2 breathing into, 154–56 and engagement, 52–53 and the journey, 5, 12 and loving ourselves, 120 questions bringing us in contact with, xviii and reconnecting with ourselves, 26–29 The Wizard of Oz, 193, 284–85 wounds, 18, 34–35, 117–18 writing about experiences, 109–11, 249–50, 278, 311–12 about sensations, thoughts, and feelings, 285 Awareness Diary, 109–10, 278, 285, 312 gratitude lists, 137–38 letters to compulsions, 59–60, 61, 63 Z Zukav, Gary, 192 334 Photo by John McAnulty, Inner Focus Photogrpahy About the Author M ary O’Malley is an author, group facilitator, speaker, and counselor in private practice in Kirkland, Washington For more than thirty years she has explored and practiced the art of being truly present to life, and out of this has evolved a system for awakening into the living moment of our lives, which she calls Awareness Meditation Through her organization, Awakening, she invites others to find within a place of clarity, compassion, and trust they can access no matter what is happening She extends an invitation to live from that place so that the impossible becomes possible and our hearts soar with the joy of being alive Mary is available for speaking engagements, retreats, workshops, and phone and in-person counseling To contact Mary email her at awaken@maryomalley.com or go to her website: www.maryomalley.com 335 New World Library is dedicated to publishing books and audio products that inspire and challenge us to improve the quality of our lives and our world Our products are available in bookstores everywhere For our catalog, please contact: New World Library 14 Pamaron Way Novato, California 94949 Phone: (415) 884-2100 or (800) 972-6657 Catalog requests: Ext 50 Orders: Ext 52 Fax: (415) 884-2199 E-mail: escort@newworldlibrary.com Website: www.newworldlibrary.com ... of our hearts We use the third skill, Opening to Our Breath, to nourish and inspire ourselves with the wisdom of our breath We then apply the fourth skill, Coming Home to Ourselves, to invite ourselves... questions to the sensations in our bodies, then to our feelings, and then to our compulsions themselves These questions are designed to dissolve the core patterns in our minds, to open our hearts... or what is happening in our lives, we become a healing presence in the world xiv THE GIFT OF OUR Compulsions P A R T O N E THE HEALING Journey Chapter MY JOURNEY, OUR Journey I trust myself How