Chapter Friendship and Love Perspectives on Close Relationships • The Ingredients of close relationships – Close relationships – “are those that are important, interdependent, and long lasting” – They come in many forms, including • Family relationships • Friendships • Work relationships • Romantic relationships • Marriage Perspectives, continued • Close relationships arouse intense feelings that are both – Positive (passion, concern, caring) and – Negative (rage, jealousy, despair) • This is referred to as the paradox of close relationships Attraction and Development, continued • Initial encounters – Three factors underlie initial attraction between strangers: Proximity – we are more likely to become involved with people we are geographically, or spatially, close to Familiarity – the mere exposure effect states that positive feelings toward a person are increased the more often we see them Attraction and Development, continued Initial encounters, continued Physical attractiveness – This factor plays a key role in face-to-face romantic relationships as well as friendships – However, cross-cultural research suggests it is not the most important factor, for both males and females – See Figure 9.1 for a summary Figure 9.1 Rank order of traits chosen by men and women as one of their most important traits in a partner In a 2005 international Internet survey of over 200,000 participants (including heterosexuals and homosexuals, men and women), Lippa (2007) found that intelligence, humor, honesty, kindness, and good looks were ranked (in that order) as the most important traits in a partner for all participants However, when separated by gender, good looks ranked higher Attraction and Development, continued Initial encounters, continued • What makes someone attractive? – Facial features • For women: “baby-faced” features, (large eyes, small nose), combined with “mature” features (prominent cheekbones) • For men: a strong jaw and broad forehead Attraction and Development, continued What makes people attractive, continued – Physique • • For women: average weight, an “hourglass” figure, and medium-sized breasts For men: broad shoulders and a slim waist Attraction and Development, continued What makes people attractive, continued – Expressive traits (large smile, high set eyebrows) are seen as attractive because they suggest friendliness – Grooming qualities are also desirable, including cosmetic enhancements (see Figure 9.2) Figure 9.2 Top five surgical cosmetic procedures in 2008 The number of cosmetic surgeries annually is on the rise In 2008, over 10.2 million cosmetic procedures were performed Retrieved December 23, 2009 from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2008, http://www.surgery.org/media/statistics Romantic Love, continued The course of romantic of love, continued • Helping relationships last Take plenty of time to get to know the other person before making a long-term commitment Emphasize the positive qualities in your partner and relationship Find ways to bring novelty to long-term relationships Develop effective conflict management skills Perspectives on Close Relationships • LEARNING OBJECTIVES – Contrast how people from individualistic cultures and collectivist cultures view love and marriage – Clarify how differences between Internet and face-to-face interactions affect relationship development Close Relationships, continued • Culture and close relationships – Views of love and marriage are linked to a country’s values and economic health – In general: • Individualistic cultures are more likely to marry for love • Collectivistic cultures are more likely to have arranged marriages – See Figure 9.13 for further information Figure 9.13 Culture and views of love College students in 10 countries and Hong Kong responded to the following question: “If a man (woman) had all the other qualities you desired, would you marry this person if you were not in love with him (her)?” Generally, students in countries with higher standards of living and more individualistic values were significantly less likely to answer “yes” to the question than those in countries with lower standards of living and more collectivist values Adapted from Levine, R., Sato, S., Hashimoto, T., & Verma, J (1995) Love and marriage in eleven cultures Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 26(5), pp 561, 564 Copyright © 1995 by Sage Publications, Inc Adapted by permission of Sage Publications Close Relationships, continued • The Internet and relationships – Although critics are concerned about Internet relationships, research suggests they are just as intimate as face-to-face ones – Romances that begin online seem to be just as stable over two years as traditional relationships! – The Internet also helps us maintain existing long distance relationships with friends and family Internet Relationships Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued • The nature and prevalence of loneliness – Loneliness – “occurs when a person has fewer interpersonal relationships than desired, or when these relationships are not as satisfying as desired” – Emotional loneliness – absence of an intimate attachment figure – Social loneliness – lack of friendship network Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued The nature and prevalence of loneliness, continued • Loneliness is most prevalent among – The young (especially homosexual teens) – Single, divorced, and widowed adults – The elderly – Individuals whose parents have divorced Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued • The roots of loneliness – Early experiences – inappropriate behavior (aggressiveness, aloofness, competitiveness, or overdependence) in children can lead to rejection by peers – Social trends – busy schedules and time spent watching television and using computers in our homes decreases potential interaction with others Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued • Correlates of loneliness – Shyness – “discomfort, inhibition, and excessive caution in interpersonal relations” – Shy people tend to Be timid in expressing themselves Be overly self-conscious about how others are reacting to them Embarrass easily Experience anxiety Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued Correlates of loneliness, continued – Poor social skills – Lonely people tend to • Evaluate others negatively • Show lower responsiveness to their conversational partners • Disclose less about themselves Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued Correlates of loneliness, continued – Self-defeating attributional style – especially thinking negatively about social situations can cause people to behave in ways that confirm their negative expectations – Lonely people also engage in more negative self-talk and foster ideas that perpetuate loneliness (see Figure 9.17) Figure 9.17 Patterns of thinking underlying loneliness According to Young (1982), negative self-talk contributes to loneliness Six clusters of irrational thoughts are illustrated here Each cluster of cognitions leads to certain patterns of behavior (right) that promote loneliness From a paper presented at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association, 9/2/79 An expanded version of this paper appears in G Emery, S.D Hollan, & R.C Bedrosian (Eds.) (1981) New directions in cognitive therapy New York: Guilford Press and in L.A Peplau & D Perlman (Eds.) (1982) Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy New York: Wiley Copyright © 1982 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc and Jeffrey Young Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued • Conquering loneliness – Chronic loneliness is associated with a variety of mental and physical health problems – Fortunately, loneliness can be overcome by trying the following: • Use the Internet to alleviate anxiety created by face-to-face interactions • Avoid the temptation to withdraw from social situations Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued Conquering loneliness, continued – Break out of the habit of the self-defeating attributional style – Cultivate your social skills – Consider seeking help from a counselor [...]... “things that people contribute to a relationship that they can’t get back if the relationship ends” – Thus, putting investments into a relationship strengthens our commitment to it (see Figure 9. 6) Figure 9. 6 The key elements of social exchange theory and their effects on a relationship According to social exchange theory, relationship outcome is determined by the rewards minus the costs of a relationship... based on the outcome matched against comparison level (expectations) Commitment to a relationship is determined by one’s satisfaction minus one’s comparison level for alternatives plus one’s investments in the relationship Adapted from Brehm, S.S., & Kassin, S.M ( 199 3) Social psychology Boston: Houghton Mifflin Copyright © 199 3 by Houghton Mifflin Company Adapted with permission Friendship, continued... continued Interdependence theory, continued • Relationship commitment is determined by two factors: 1 The comparison level for alternatives, or “one’s estimation of the available outcomes from alternative relationships” – We tend to stay in unsatisfying relationships until a better one comes along Attraction and Development, continued Interdependence theory, continued 2 The investments, or “things... combination of three components: 1 Intimacy – warmth, closeness, and sharing 2 Passion – intense feelings (both positive and negative), including sexual desire 3 Commitment – the decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arise” Romantic Love, continued Sternberg’s triangular theory, continued – Eight types of relationships can result from the presence,... – involves the actions and activities used to sustain the desired quality of a relationship” (see Figure 9. 5) Figure 9. 5 Relationship maintenance strategies College students were asked to describe how they maintained three different personal relationships over a college term Their responses were grouped into 11 categories You can see that, ironically, some people behave negatively in an attempt to. .. of each of the three components – The ultimate type of love is consummate love, in which each of the three components is present (see Figure 9. 8) Figure 9. 8 Sternberg’s triangular theory of love According to Robert Sternberg ( 198 6), love includes three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment These components are portrayed here as points on a triangle The possible combinations of these three... Openness was the most commonly nominated strategy (Adapted from Canary & Stafford, 199 4) Attraction and Development, continued • Established relationships, continued – The process of minding relationships is an active process that involves • Using good listening skills • Knowing your partner’s opinions • Making positive attributions about your partner’s behavior Attraction and Development, continued Established... attractiveness – Parental investment theory (see Figure 9. 3) states women choose mates that will supply resources needed to support offspring for many years Figure 9. 3 Parental investment theory and mating preferences Parental investment theory suggests that basic differences between males and females in parental investment have great adaptive significance and lead to gender differences in mating propensities... relationships, continued – Expressing feelings of trust and commitment – Recognizing your partner’s support and effort – Being optimistic about the future of the relationship Attraction and Development, continued • Relationship satisfaction and commitment – What determines whether you will stay in the relationship or get out? • Interdependence or social exchange theory states that the decision is based... continued What makes people attractive, continued – Matching up on looks • The matching hypothesis – “proposes that people of similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate toward each other.” Attraction and Development, continued What makes people attractive, continued – Attractiveness and resource exchange • In contrast, the resource exchange is an evolution-based theory proposing that in heterosexual ... continued Interdependence theory, continued The investments, or “things that people contribute to a relationship that they can’t get back if the relationship ends” – Thus, putting investments into... satisfaction minus one’s comparison level for alternatives plus one’s investments in the relationship Adapted from Brehm, S.S., & Kassin, S.M ( 199 3) Social psychology Boston: Houghton Mifflin Copyright... relationship strengthens our commitment to it (see Figure 9. 6) Figure 9. 6 The key elements of social exchange theory and their effects on a relationship According to social exchange theory, relationship