Rowan Atkinson Live – And Now, From Nazareth, The Amazing Martín Martínez Barragán _ Revised Juan C David [Setting: Inside a Church Rowan is standing at a podium, in a priest's robe and scarf A little organ fanfare plays as he walks to the podium] PRIEST: And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, "They have no more wine" And Jesus said unto the servants "Fill six water pots with water." And they did so And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine And they knew not whence it had come But the servants did know And they applauded loudly in the kitchen PRIEST: And they said unto the Lord, "How the Hell did you that?!” And inquired of him, "Do you Children's parties"? And the Lord said, "No.” But the servants did press him, saying "Go on Give us another one." And so he brought forth a carrot And said "Behold this, for it is a carrot" And all about him knew that it was so For it was Orange With a Green Top And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it And lo, he held in his hand a white rabbit And all were amazed and said "This guy is really good! He should turn professional!" PRIEST: And they brought Him, on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy And they cried unto him, "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy" And the Lord said "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'D be pretty sick of the palsy too!" And they were filled joy and cried out, "Lord, thy oneliners are as good as thy tricks Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer" PRIEST: And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed And Jesus said unto her "Put on a tutu and lie down in this box.” And then took he forth a sword, and cleft her in twain And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth But Jesus said, "Oh ye of little Faith." And he threw open the box, and lo, Mary was whole And the crowd went absolutely Bananas And Jesus and Mary took a big bow And he said unto her "From now on, you shall be known as Sharon For that is a good name for an assistant" PRIEST: And the people said, “We've never seen anything like this This is great You must be the son of God.” But the Lord said, “No, I am He Who Comes Before.” And they were sore amazed and said, “Then, Master, how shall we know the true Lord?” And Jesus said, “By his name shall ye know him And he shall have a very religious name And he shall be called Paul And Daniel shall he be called.” “Paul Daniels?” they cried And the Lord said, “ Yes Something like that.” PRIEST: Here ends the lesson Rowan Atkinson Live – And Now, From Nazareth, The Amazing Martín Martínez Barragán _ Revised Juan C David ən(d) nɑʊ | fɹəm næzəɹəθ | ði əmeɪzɪŋ | pɹiːst | setɪŋ | ɪnsaɪd ə t͡ʃɜːt͡ʃ | ɹə(ʊ)ən ɪz stændɪŋ ət ə pəʊdiəm ɪn ə pɹiːsts ɹəʊb ən(d) skɑːf | ə lɪtl̩ ɔːgn̩ fænfeə pleɪz əz hi wɔːks tə ðə pəʊdiəm | pɹiːst | ən(d) ɒn ðə θɜːd deɪ | ðə wəz ə mæɹɪd͡ʒ ɪn keɪnə əv gælɪliː | ən(d) ɪt keɪm tə pɑːs | ðət ɔːl ðə waɪn wəz dɹʌŋk | ən(d) ðə mʌðəɹ əv d͡ʒiːzəs sed ʌntə ðə lɔːd | ðeɪ hæv nəʊ mɔː waɪn | ən(d) d͡ʒiːzəs sed ʌntə ðə sɜːvn̩ts | fɪl sɪks wɔːtə pɒts | wɪð wɔːtə | ən(d) ðeɪ dɪd səʊ | ən(d) wen ðə stjuːəd əv ðə fiːst | dɪd teɪst əv ðə wɔːtə fɹəm ðə pɒts | ɪt həd bɪkʌm waɪn | ən(d) ðeɪ njuː nɒt | wens ɪt əd kʌm | bət ðə sɜːvn̩ts dɪd nəʊ | ən(d) ðeɪ əplɔːdɪd lɑʊdli ɪn ðə kɪt͡ʃɪn pɹiːst | ən(d) ðeɪ sed ʌntə ðə lɔːd | hɑʊ ðə hel dɪd ju duː ðæt | ənd əŋkwa(ɪ)əd əv hɪm | də ju duː t͡ʃɪldɹənz pɑːtɪz | ən(d) ðə lɔːd sed | nəʊ | bət ðə sɜːvn̩ts dɪd pɹes (h)ɪm seɪɪŋ | gə(ʊ) ɒn | ɡɪv əs ənʌðə wʌn | ən(d) səʊ hi ˈbrɔːt fɔːθ ə kærət | ən(d) sed bɪhəʊl(d) ðɪs | fər ɪt ɪz ə kærət | ən(d) ɔːl əbɑʊt (h)ɪm njuː ðət ɪt wəz səʊ | fəɹ ɪt wəz ɒɹɪnd͡ʒ | wɪð ə gɹiːn tɒp | ən(d) hi dɪd pleɪs ə lɑːd͡ʒ ɹed klɒθ əʊvə ðə kæɹət | ən(d) ðen ɹɪmuːvd ɪt | ən(d) ləʊ hi held ɪn hɪz hænd | ə waɪt ɹæbɪt | ən(d) ɔːl wəɹ əmeɪzd | ən(d) sed | ðɪs gaɪ ɪz ɹɪəli gʊd | hi ʃʊd tɜːn pɹəfeʃənəl | pɹiːst | ən(d) ðeɪ bɹɔːt (h)ɪm ɒn ə stɹet͡ʃə | ə mæn hu wəz sɪk əv ðə pɔːlzi | ən(d) ðeɪ kɹaɪd ʌntə hɪm | maɪstɹəʊ | ðɪs mæn ɪz sɪk əv ðə pɔːlzi | ən(d) ðə lɔːd sed | ɪf aɪ hæd tə spen(d) maɪ həʊl laɪf ɒn ə stɹet͡ʃə | aɪd bi pɹɪti sɪk əv ðə pɔːlzi tuː | ən(d) ðeɪ wə fɪld wɪð d͡ʒɔ(ɪ) ən(d) kɹaɪd ɑʊt | lɔːd | ðaɪ wʌnlaɪnəz | ɑːɹ əz gʊd əz ðaɪ tɹɪks | ðɑ(ʊ) ɑːt ɪndiːd | ən ɔːl ɹɑʊn(d) fæməli entəteɪnə | pɹiːst | ən(d) ðeə keɪm ʌntə hɪm | ə wʊmən kɔːld meəɹi | hu həd siːn ðə lɔːd ən(d) bəliːvd | ən(d) d͡ʒiːzəs sed ʌntə hə | pʊt ɒn ə tuːtuː | ən(d) laɪ dɑʊn ɪn ðɪs bɒks | ən(d) ðen tʊk (h)i fɔːθ ə sɔːd | ən(d) kleft həɹ ɪn tweɪn | ən(d) ðə wəz mʌt͡ʃ weɪlɪŋ ən(d) næʃɪŋ əv tiːθ | bət d͡ʒiːzəs sed | əʊ ji: əv lɪtl̩ feɪθ | ən(d) hi θɹuː əʊpn̩ ðə bɒks | ən(d) ləʊ | meəɹi wəz həʊl | ən(d) ðə kɹɑʊd went æbsəluːtli bənɑːnəz | ən(d) d͡ʒiːzəs ən(d) meəɹi tʊk ə bɪg bɑʊ | ən(d) hi sed ʌntə hɜː| fɹəm nɑ(ʊ) ɒn | ju ʃəl bi nəʊn | əz ʃæɹən | fə ðæt ɪz ə gʊd neɪm | fəɹ ən əsɪstn̩t | pɹiːst | ən(d) ðə piːpl̩ sed | wi:v nevə siːn enɪθɪŋ laɪk ðɪs | ðɪs ɪz gɹeɪt | ju mʌs(t) bi ðə sʌn əv gɒd | bət ðə lɔːd sed | nəʊ | aɪ æm hiː hu kʌmz bɪfɔː | ən(d) ðeɪ wə sɔːɹ əmeɪzd ən(d) sed | ðen mɑːstə | hɑʊ ʃəl wi nəʊ ðə tɹuː lɔːd | ən(d) d͡ʒiːzəs sed | baɪ hɪz neɪm ʃəl ji: nəʊ hɪm | ən(d) hi ʃəl hæv ə veɹi rɪlɪd͡ʒəs neɪm | ən(d) hi ʃəl bi kɔːld pɔːl | ən(d) dæniəl ʃəl hi bi kɔːld | pɔːl dæniəlz ðeɪ kɹaɪd | ən(d) ðə lɔːd sed | jes | sʌmθɪŋ laɪk ðæt | pɹiːst | hɪəɹ endz ðə lesn̩ |