Scoring Model for Description Score This writer presents a clearly focused description with effective details and rich sensory language Strong Points: Powerful opening paragraph Fully elaborated, memorable details Rich sensory images and figurative language Effective organization Good sentence variety Our Tree Green flows everywhere in our backyard until it hits the maple tree that sizzles in the sun and overpowers everything around it Even though the tree grows high into the sky, its tangled limbs and stiff base are cemented in the ground by muscular roots The maple stands alone next to a swamp The two sit so close together they’re like the best of friends A sleepy green hill makes the final member of the group With the tangled maple as leader, this team borders our land and separates us from our neighbors The bark of the maple is a surprise the moment you touch it—a combination of bumpy and smooth Because another tree leans on it, all the branches explode from one side, leaving the other side bare They look as though they want to escape from the other trees From the branches, blazing red and fiery orange leaves pop out everywhere, and behind them, pale green and sunshine yellow leaves fill in the rest of the tree Here and there dead brown leaves mingle with the others to remind us of what is in store Already the leaves are falling as the air grows colder and winter draws near The tree will soon be bare, but for now it burns the ground and lightens the sky for everyone to see  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Description • 21 Scoring Model for Description Score This writer presents a well-organized, memorable description with interesting details Strong Points: Effective organization Interesting details Problem Points: Limited sensory language Few visual details Limited vocabulary Sentence structure errors A Work of Art For generations, the women in my family kept a quilt The quilt was kept in the third house of the Morris family in Denver The quilt was priceless, and everybody admired it My great, great, great, great great grandmother started it with a first patch The first patch that she sewed was a star She later passed the work to her daughter, and her daughter passed it to her daughter, and so on When I first saw the quilt, I was seven years old I was so happy I cried I was stunned with joy as were my mom and dad They had seen the quilt before, but my sister has never seen it because she was born after we moved away The quilt had over 350 patches of all different materials and different pictures Each patch represented a story of something that happened during that time My aunt’s house held the quilt, she was the oldest and most trusted member of the family She took very good care of the quilt It was kept in a glass case with a lock on it The glass was hard to break My aunt had a great pride and protected it very well When we left Denver, the quilt was still at my aunt’s Today I have no idea where it is It could be with her still, or it could be somewhere else I hope it is still with her so that, when I go back to Colorado I can see it, and if I have a daughter my daughter can make a patch 22 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Description Score This writer presents a disorganized description with limited elaboration; its strong points are outweighed by its problem points Strong Points: Good visual details Simple sentence structures Problem Points: Poor organization Distracting grammatical errors Uninteresting word choices Spelling errors Limited elaboration No introduction; abrupt ending The Dress for Me First, in every weding, you need to decide on your wedding dress My dream weding dress has beeds all over the train and the gown and the top part of the gown has a design of waves moving and the train of the gown has a little design on the end of it The vail the part of the dress that goes over your head sits on your head like a crown and then the rest of it goes down the back of your head On the gown there is also embroderie Then the part of the vail that sits on your forhead is lined with lace, or beeds that look like pearls, and with leaves that hock into your hair The dress will be long with a train that goes way back I will have a flower girl hold it That is what my wedding dress would look like  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Description • 23 Scoring Model for Description Score This writer’s attempts to write an effective description are unsuccessful Problem Points: Flat language Lack of sensory details and figurative language Simplistic sentence structure Distracting errors of grammar, usage, spelling, and punctuation No introduction or conclusion My Tree Deep in the woods behind my house there it Stands the tall, thin Oak tree! My tree lives next to other oak trees, pine trees and a big rock lays between of the oak trees My tree is surounded by grass and weeds My tree is in a gully like type thing My tree is all differant sizes and shapes, it goes left, right, left, and then right again Its long and Skiny 24 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Description Score This writer presents a creative description that offers rich details and a unified impression of its subject Strong Points: Clear, well-elaborated details Strong, interesting images Logical, effective organization Unified, coherent impression Contains strong, sensory language Few errors in grammar punctuation, or spelling On Track Three more races before it’s my turn to take the track for my team The butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter as I commence my usual twenty-second stretches My legs extend as I pull each ankle up behind me one at a time, and the tense muscles in my firm hamstrings are momentarily relaxed Without bending my knees, I touch my fingers to my toes to relieve my calves of their tightness The pungent, icy fragrance of menthol, liberated from the ocean blue Mineral Ice gel being used by all of the girls saturates the tepid air I sit quietly One race is ending and there is only one more before mine I quickly go to my dad, who is down by the track He unties and reties my blue and black sprinting shoes with the neon yellow Nike signs on the sides and black rubber sole with small rubber spikes He does it much better than I would have, pulling just tight enough, tying a double knot, and tucking the laces inside my shoes so I don’t trip “First call for the 200 meter,” says an amplified voice on a megaphone Oh, my goodness, that’s my race! At the first call, I step over to the sign-up table to see if I can reserve myself in my favorite lane, lane Unfortunately, the organizers have already put me in lane Oh, well “Second call for the 200 meter.” At this call, I start warming up again, jumping up and down quickly and running in place to stretch my legs out once more “Last call for the 200 meter.” Oh, boy, this is it! I approach the 200-meter starting line, which is right before the track’s second curve In the background, I hear, “Come on, Elisabeth, you can it!” The pressure is on! I take off my jacket and throw it in the grass, then walk over to my lane I set my feet in the metal blocks My most nervous feeling hits me now This anticipation is killing me! The person with the starting gun steps up “Runners take your mark!” I get down and spread my arms out to the topmost corners of the inside of my lane A million things run through my mind But I try to keep myself focused I keep my head down and my body in a static position “Get set!” I arch my back and bring my head up to face front at the same time Two seconds of silence go by Suddenly, BANG! I spring out of the lane, starting with two big steps to get out of the blocks Immediately I’m rounding the curve, where I gain the lead I’m thinking of nothing but getting to the finish line as fast as I can Everybody and everything is blocked out of my senses I don’t hear anything except my own voice in my head and my coach’s voice, saying, “Come on, Elisabeth! All the way!” The finish line is about ten meters away I push my body to its limit, as my quadriceps begin swerving a little bit I bend my upper body slightly over the finish line as I pass it, still in running mode Description—Score (continued) 22 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Exhausted, I run about ten more meters until I come to a slow jog My teammates are with me now, hugging me and congratulating me My teammate, who was running the race with me, and I tied for first place Yes! I’d rather win with a teammate than without her! My breathing is extremely hard and my strained quadriceps are shaking I raise my arms so I’ll breathe easier and shut my eyes for a moment Very proud of our victory, my teammate and I approach our coach to be greeted with “Great running ladies!” The pressure is over, until the next track meet!  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Description • 23 Scoring Model for Description Score This writer presents a description that is well-organized, highly detailed, and memorable Strong Points: Focused description of subject Innovative, amusing point of view Abundant, vividly descriptive details Problem Points: Lacks some organization Slightly diffuse impression of subject Errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar Uneven use of elaboration One Place to Another Dear Mom, Replying to your previous letter, I have found a home for myself past a bunch of leaves, up a flight of stairs, through a tall front door, to the left, down a hall, and through another doorway Being a room of fairly high stature, I am finding it to be a fairly nice house I am inhabited by a young boy, Adam Turner by name Placed on my right side is a Victorian desk It once had little labels stuck on, made of removable tape, but now they are strewn around the base On top of this desk, there is a rough sheet of protective paper, complete with scribbles, doodles, and math equations galore, overlapping for years (made with the vast sea of pens, pencils, and other tools of artistic intentions) Across me, on my left side, stands a bed A bright, silver sheet of fabric hangs from the upper bunk, opaque on the outside, but virtually transparent from the bed Ten years of stuffed animals lie past the “ladder” (actually fat, built-in shelves) on the upper bed They are pulled down when they are needed for any sort of occasion At the foot of the bed squat large olive green crates, stacked high with knickknacks, marbles, pillows, rainbow cellophane, books, and tissues Blocked by the crates is my closet, stuffed and stacked with more bulky green crates from Adam’s monthly room cleaning The twine light string leads to a single, dim light bulb When pulled, it reveals two sets of shelves, filled with selected “stuffies,” as Adam calls them The first set holds books Little scraps of paper once tried to organize them, but they are now in the same condition as the desk labels The books are thrown about the bookcase, some upright, some sideways, some crammed in so tight you’d need a tool to get them loose The second set holds items according to shelf The top shelf holds anything that looks the least bit like a treasure: a chest full of silver dollars, lost teeth, and rolls of money, a Venetian mask box, and Chinese “healthy balls.” There are some fuses, paper scraps, and other bits, too The second shelf houses toys—wire puzzles and flying birds, loose cards, and such The third shelf is the home of board games Crammed into the tight space, Adam managed to stuff quite a few games in Objects with no other place are positioned on the top of these closet shelves, between the small circus lamp and the CD player Beside the CD player sits, 24 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Description—Score (continued) of course, the CDs Only classical Adam can’t stand to listen to anything but classical I miss rap music In the clothes department, there is this big chest of drawers The top drawer is used for holding Adam’s comic strips, and messes of clothes that have gotten lost on their way to the hooks At the bottom back of the drawers is a hole, half against the desk, which collects rubber balls and pencils Quite bothersome for him, I imagine, but entertaining for me My floor of me is actually incredibly clean, and, yes, I am much better since my surgery for the glass door Sorry I didn’t write sooner Much love, A Room  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Description • 25 Scoring Model for Description Score This writer presents a detailed but imprecise description of the subject Strong Points: Plentiful details Contains figurative language Some focus on creating main impression Problem Points: Unclear and poorly composed sentences Imprecise use of words Overwrought language and imagery Illogical organization Inappropriate use of figurative language Errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling Sails in the Sunset The sun sets on her majestical deck, giving her a radiance glow for all to feel admiration As she begins to dance, her cadance ingulfs her awaiting audience while they gaze in astonishment and appreciation Her grace and beauty steal the attention from her associates As she retrieves her passengers, with a quickness she abruptly leaves her admirers breathless and awaiting in anticipation for her next arrival She then glides down the bay All around her is serene and comforting, yielding an appealing array of nature from the thunderous waves that create an energetic symphony orchestrated by melodious winds beating at her sails to her aluring, flamboiant colors that pierce the eye with enticement As she continues to sail down the bay, as hauty and proud as she made her arrival, she gives her guests a view of approaching asthetics The entire senerio is nothing short of a natural wonderland The sky is complete with exotic birds that form a bevy among the deep ocean of the heavens Their sonorous melodies blend with nature’s chorus and fill the sky with pleasant arias The inhabitants of the water, are in an apparent confluence with one another and seem pleased with the warmth of the blooming sun All of God’s creatures now share their existence and desire to bathe in the sun’s warmth Trees are in full, voluptuous bloom and sway in time with the wind Together, along with the intense deep waters, they form an exquisit mural of Mother Nature Slowly the sun raises higher to project an ardent beam upon all From the boat, the whole world seems static as if nothing even matters All tranquility and peace have become the heart, while encompassing everything Further in the distant, we now see other boats, as if idly awaiting for her arrival She smoothly struts down the bay proudly exhibiting her lavish feetures Her sails boast numerous flags at an aloof height Her refined body sparkels from the sun’s rays And her sturdy stance guides her with dignity and honor down the bay Her presence is truly dramatic and overwhelming 26 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Description Score This writer’s attempts to present a description are unsuccessful Problem Points: Unclear purpose for writing Unfocused details with no dominant impression Confusing organization and progression of thoughts No figurative language No sensory language or details Many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling Some poor sentence structure Super Time The one object from the past that thoghroly shows my family was in the form of a round woodin table My brothers and I had our own task for preparing the table for the meals One got the plates, another got the napkens, the last got the eating utensels This was a rare ocations that I worked together with my brothers My dad filed the bowls, my mother coked the rest of the meal Before she finished my brothers and me set at the table wating for the fest Our mother usally brot the food in large plates and bowls as we set wating After we started eating, I think how lucky I am in my wunderful family and feel closer to my parents and brothers than any time Sometimes when I was done with my potatos, I would get secunds even when I was not hungry so I could set with my family longer After I was finish I always thank my mother so everyone leave the table and the bond is broken  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Description • 27 Scoring Model for Research: Research Paper Score This research paper has a solid thesis and conclusion, logical organization, and appropriate support data Strong Points: Clearly-stated thesis statement Conclusions drawn from information Logical, organized paragraphs Fluid, clear writing style Problem Points: Needs to cite more sources Some mechanical and grammatical errors Influenza Each year, millions of people come down with the symptoms of the flu, fever, runny nose, joint aches, and vomiting Pharmaceutical companies make billions of dollars marketing drugs to relieve the symptoms A modern day inconvenience, the influenza virus has been around for thousands of years when it was so powerful, it brought down an entire civilization The sickness came to Athens in the year 431 B.C For more than a year, the epidemic raged Thucydides, a scholar in Athens, was its chronicler (Kolata 35) The symptoms of this epidemic, later called influenza, were frightening, strong and healthy people would suddenly get “violent heats in the head, redness and inflammation in the eyes, sneezing, and hoarse voices,” Thucydides wrote in his historic account of the city One of the earliest descriptions of the flu written 2500 years ago, by the Greek physician Hippocrates, outlined the popular theories of the time The flu was described as having a number of different causes including “bad air” and several kinds of bacteria It wasn’t until 1933 that the cause was correctly identified as a virus (Barrett 12) There have been several other major influenza epidemics in the history of the world An outbreak in Europe in 1556 lasted four years, and had serious consequences in some cities in Europe As much as 20 percent of the population was wiped out (McNeill 16) A more recent outbreak occurred in 1918 Lasting only a year No one knows for sure where it came from or how it turned into such a killer All that is known is that the virus that infected people in the spring of 1918 started out as a mild strain with very few serious cases The strain vanished only to reappear in the fall, killing an estimated 20–100 million people Even today, with the advances in molecular biology and in the pharmaceutical industry, viral infections—influenza in particular—are largely untreatable Medical researchers have known for decades that the simple influenza virus has only eight genes, and that the virus dies within hours if left alone with no new cells to infect Researchers know that the influenza virus infects only the cells of the lungs But the critical information that researchers have been unable to figure out is how to make a medicine that is the equivalent of penicillin for the flu (Kolata 27) The treatment for flu symptoms hasn’t changed much since Thucydides first recorded his observations Doctors still recommend drinking plenty of fluid and getting lots of rest For a more severe case of the flu drugs can be prescribed, but won’t destroy the virus itself, vaccinations are recommended each season Especially for older people However this is not a perfect solution as there are many strains of the flu, each vaccine can only combat one strain  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Research: Research Paper • 69 Research: Research Paper—Score (continued) Medical advances have redirected the influenza virus from a widespread scourge to a mere inconvenience But until a drug can be developed that will effectively kill the virus, the flu will continue to be a part of society worldwide WORKS CITED Barrett, Julia “Influenza.” Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine 1999 ed Kolata, Gina Flu New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1999 Unknown Relief from Flue Symptoms [Online] Available http://www.lahealthcare.com/cond/flu/relief.html 1997–2000 Unknown Treatment [online] Available http://lahealthcare.com/cond/flu/ treat.html 1997–1998 70 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Research: Research Paper Score This writer presents an organized research report, but the report’s weaknesses outnumber its strengths Strong Points: Appropriate facts, examples, and details to support main points Logical presentation of information Problem Points: Unclear thesis statement Incomplete and insufficient citations Little variety in sentence structure Usage and mechanical errors Lacks conclusion Warm Up One of the most dangrous threats to our Earth is strengthening every second Slowly, molecules that exist in the air are smothering the atmusfar This phenomenon is affecting the Earth’s natural heating and cooling system This ocurence has left scientists worried for years, they can’t predict what will happen next or how to fix the problem Different theories have been presented, only time will tell if any of them will help The “Green house Affect” is the name of the Earth’s temperture control sistem, it keeps the Earth just warm enogh and cool enogh to suport life Without it life would not exist here This sistem is made up of the ozone layer that acts as a sheild against harmful rays trying to enter Earth’s atmusfear, this barrier allows heat from the sun to enter And some infrared partikles escape The remaning heat returns to the Earth and bonces around in the atmusfear as in a greenhouse the Earth is heated in this manner That is “Greenhouse Affect” came about (“What is the Greenhouse Affect?”) The problem is that certain molecules in “greenhouse gases” destroy the ozone and harmful stuff enters the atmusfear and the Earth keeps getting warmer This is “Global Warming.” It could be a serious in the future(“Page 1”) “Greenhouse gases” are made up of many diffrent gases, such as methane This leds us to beleive that humans are to blame for the harming of the ozone Methane is in diffrent things such as car exhaust (“New Scientist Global Warning Report”) So there are many ways that these harmful gases can get into the air The temperture of the Earth is rising little by little and flooding could leave millions homeless and farmland underwater A shortage of food or even famin would sweep across some low lying countries (“EPA Global Warming Site”) If no percautions are taken, the problem could worsen (“What is the Greenhouse Affect?”) Although an aparent problem exists, some say global warming could achualy have a posative affect on the Earth These rising tempertures could cause more carbo dioxite which helps trees grow and benifits people (“New Scientist Global Warming Site”)  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Research: Research Paper • 71 Research: Research Paper—Score (continued) Works Cited “New Scientist Global Warming Report: All You Ever Wanted to Know www.Newscientist.com/ nsplus/insight/global/faq.html (18 January 2000) “EPA Global Warming Site.” 12 January 2000 epa.gov/globalwarming/ (18 January 2000) “Ozone Reality Check.” 30 December 1999 www.foe.org.ozone/intro.html (18 January 2000) “What is the Greenhouse Effect? 30 December 1999 www.tip.net.au/ ~edmondsgreenhouse/whatis.html (18 January 2000) “What They Are.” 30 December 1999 www.hab.com/hsbcfc2.htm (18 January 2000) “Page 1.” October 1998 www.sacred.sf.ca.us/ces/a999/7grade/hamilton/ pag1.htm (18 January 2000) 72 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Research: Research Paper Score This writer’s attempt to write a research report is unsuccessful Problem Points: No thesis statement No list of works cited Information in scattered, disorganized order Irrelevant and repetitious information included Opinions stated with little supporting research Lacks conclusion statement Numerous usage and mechanical errors Green, Green, Green Everybody has a faverite coler It is your own decision Colers are used in everyday life Starting at clothes and working itself all the way to U.S dollar bills Green, why was green chosen to be the coler that every U.S citizen touches and sees everyday Is the coler green some how special or is it some famus person’s faverite coler or is it just a cheap coler Green is a dull coler which doesn’t really catch your eye Unless you see the coler green on a doller bill Was green chosen because the president or someone famous at the time like the coler There have been many Presidents who like the coler green But it’s not chosen because it was some Presidents faverite coler Even though green was the faverite coler of John Quincy Adams, Ronald Ragan, and George Bush Will Smith, Katie Homes, Meg Ryan, John Wayne, Sean Connery, and Nicholas Cage all picked green as there faverite coler too They are all famous people that everyone knows so maybe they picked the coler Or maybe it was a star athlete like Barry Sanders or Joe Montana who like the dullness of green Once again they are famus people, but they did not have a say on the coler pick neither If the coler wasn’t picked by a president or movie star or athlete, then there must be something special about the coler green There isn’t really anything that is really special about the coler of green The printing of money started at the Treasury Department’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing Here is where the pigments and colers are kept to make money The coler was chosen because of the large amounts of the pigments at the time If it was a decade or even a couple of years later would the coler be different You could say that it was the timing that the coler was picked When the pigment green was chosen to be the coler of our U.S dollar bills it was a time where all kinds of pigments and colers were being used to make clothes, and tons of other things Was it good or bad timing that left us with a life long coler to remember? The reason the dollar bill had to have coler was because of the high rate of counterfit money Something needed to be done, and done quick And so at that time is when green became the coler So I guess if you like green it was good timing, but if you don’t like it was bad timeing (Fitzel 62) The money could have been any coler, and if there was a higher quanity of another coler at the time it would of probably been a different coler If the coler was different, what coler would look good? Green has never been populer It just isn’t bright or bold It is kind of dull, so people just don’t like it But greens popularity changed in 1929 when it was chosen for the coler of our money You still may not like the coler, but you still have to see it everyday  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Research: Research Paper • 73 Scoring Model for Research: Research Report Score This writer presents a clear, well-organized research report with a strong thesis statement, sound facts and examples, and complete citations Strong Points: Clearly stated thesis Facts and details to support each main point Accurate, complete citations identifying sources Information presented in logical order, emphasizing details of central importance Clear conclusions Information gathered from a variety of sources Overall fluency Few mechanical errors Susan Brownell Anthony Susan Brownell Anthony deserves a place in our women’s Hall of Fame On November 5, 1877 Susan B Anthony took action that would later change the lives of women everywhere At 7:00 A.M., she marched up to the polls in Rochester, New York, defiantly registered to vote, and cast her ballot for Ulysses S Grant for president By breaking the law that prohibited women from voting, she hoped that she would also break the powerful gender barrier (Anderson 76) For her actions that day, Susan B Anthony was arrested and fined $100 Americans today can appreciate her courage at challenging a law that she believed was wrong One reason Susan B Anthony is so important is because of her outstanding temperance work, trying to ban alcohol Anthony joined a temperance group called the Rochester Daughters of Temperance They wanted to protect women and children from alcoholic husbands and fathers Later Anthony and some followers formed the Woman’s New York State Temperance Society As the secretary of the new society, she attended a temperance convention in 1852 at Albany, New York When she attempted to speak she was told, “The ladies have been invited to listen and learn and not to speak.” (Smith 306) However, this little incident would not stop Susan B Anthony Another example of why Susan Brownell Anthony deserves a place in the women’s Hall of Fame is because of her hard work in the anti-slavery campaigns She organized the National Women’s Loyal League Their goal was to have the constitution abolish slavery In 1851, Anthony went to Syracuse to attend a series of anti-slavery meetings A decade before the Civil War, she traveled as an agent for the American Anti-Slavery Society Anthony conducted many campaigns against slavery She was devoted to the anti-slavery movement, serving from 1856 to the outbreak of the Civil War in 1861 After many years against slavery she still did not think that she had done enough (Anderson 180) The most significant reason why Susan B Anthony is such a great woman in history is because of her endurance, hard work, and sacrifice for women’s rights Her work for women’s rights began in 1851, when she met Elizabeth Cady Stanton From 1854–1860, she petitioned demanding women’s rights to own property, and of their children to gain custody after a divorce Anthony focused mainly on the constitutional amendment for women’s suffrage, or the right to vote In 1872, she demanded that women be given the same rights that had been extended to the black males under the 14th and 15th amendments During 1868–1870, she published the newspaper the Revolution, which focused on injustices suffered by women Anthony became the president of the National American Woman Suffrage Association and served eight  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Research: Research Report • 49 Research: Research Report—Score (continued) years In 1905, she visited President Theodore Roosevelt to urge him to support women’s suffrage After 50 years of leading the women’s rights movement, Susan Brownwell Anthony retired In 1920, the 19th Amendment granted the vote to women, but Anthony did not live to see it She was described as the “Napoleon” of the suffrage movement (Smith 118) As you can see Susan Brownell Anthony was a very courageous woman She played a very important part in history If it was not for her, women would not be able to vote today Anthony is a true hero because she did what she believed was right, no matter what the consequences Works Cited Anderson, Noah Susan B Anthony: A Life Chicago, IL: Millstone Press, 1997 Dudley, Andrea The Woman Suffrage Movement Los Angeles, CA: Arbor Publications, 1985 Smith, Nicole The Life and Works of Susan B Anthony New York, NY: Clark University Press, 1991 50 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Research: Research Report Score This writer presents a well-organized research report with minor citation problems Strong Points: Clearly-stated thesis Information well organized by chronology Facts and details that support thesis Good sentence variety Information gathered from a variety of sources Problem Points: Citations lack page references and alphabetical order in list Weak conclusion Some grammatical and mechanical errors Some run-on sentences and fragments Thomas Jefferson Out of all the people involved in the American Revolution, Thomas Jefferson is the most interesting Jefferson was not only the President of the United States but also a farmer, lawyer, lawmaker, architect, inventor, archaeologist, and musician As stated in The World Book Encyclopedia Thomas Jefferson was born on April 13, 1743 in Goochland County, Virginia He was the third child and grew up with six sisters and one brother Jefferson was 14 years old when his father died Cited in The Importance of Thomas Jefferson, when Jefferson was five, his parents hired a tutor to teach him mathematics, reading, and writing At nine he was studying Latin As a child, Jefferson liked hiking in the woods in Virginia It was on one of these nature walks that Jefferson came upon the hilltop where he would one day build his famous home—Monticello Jefferson was outgoing and friendly According to Vincent Sheean, “He was over six feet tall when he was seventeen years old—a rather awkward boy, with carroty red hair and freckles, a pointed nose and chin You would never have called him handsome and yet his keen gray eyes and generally alert personality made him attractive to most people.” (Nardo) In 1760, when he was seventeen, Jefferson enrolled in the College of William and Mary Jefferson finished college in 1762 and went on to study law Thomas Jefferson had a number of occupations in his life According to The Remarkable Jefferson Man of Many Faces He served as governor of Virginia and represented the new U.S government in France In June 1776, he wrote the Declaration of Independence as a member of the committee named to draft it In 1800, he was nominated for President Cited in the Internet source http://www.whitehouse.gov/Wh/glimpse/presidents/html/tj3.html when Jefferson assumed the presidency, he slashed Army and Navy expenditures, cut the budget, and reduced the national dept by a third Jefferson acquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon in 1803 In 1772, Jefferson married Martha Wayles Skelton, the daughter of a lawyer and they settled at Monticello, the home Jefferson designed and built between 1768 and 1809 They had one son and five daughters Mrs Jefferson died in 1782 Jefferson never remarried Jefferson was also an inventor, designer, creator, and architect of many things In the book Thomas Jefferson and his World it states that Jefferson designed the Virginia State capitol in Richmond He invented the polygraph machine, which copied letters, and designed the dumbwaiter, which brought things up from the cellar The quartet stand, designed by Jefferson, held  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Research: Research Report • 51 Research: Research Report—Score (continued) sheet music for four musicians (Jefferson played the violin) Jefferson designed a plow He imported trees and plants from all over the world Jefferson established the Library of Congress in 1800 and in time, the Library of Congress grew into the largest library in the world On July 4, 1826, exactly 50 years after the Declaration of Independence was approved Jefferson died at Monticello after a short illness The words that Jefferson wrote for his grave marker say: “Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence, of the statue of Virginia for religious freedom, and the father of the University of Virginia.” these were accomplishments that he thought were higher than being president of the United States (Moscow) In conclusion, Jefferson was a man of many talents and interests That is why I chose this famous person to research Works Cited Scher, Linda “The Remarkable Jefferson: Man of Many Faces.” Kids Discover Volume 8, Issue January, 1998 Pages 2, 3, and 17 Moscow, Henry Thomas Jefferson and his World New York, NY: American Heritage Publishing Co, Inc 1960 Nardo, Dan The Importance of Thomas Jefferson San Diego, CA: Lucent Books, Inc., 1993 Cunningham, Noble “Thomas Jefferson.” The World Book Encyclopedia “Thomas Jefferson.” www.whitehouse.gov/Wh/glimpse/presidents/html/tj3.htm 52 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Research: Research Report Score Although this writer provides an engaging opening, this research report’s weaknesses outweigh its strengths Strong Points: Engaging opening Introductory thesis Explanation and interpretation of some information Problem Points: No citations to support information Insufficient sentence variety Inconsistent, weak organization Many mechanical errors Excessive use of exclamation marks Mae Carol Jemison “3 BLAST OFF”! September 12 1992 History was in making, Mae Carol Jemison was becoming the first African-American to enter space What an acomplishment! All of her study and training were finally paid off! Mae and the 14 others were probably very proud of theirselves What she did stregthend the African-American communitys She is a great roll modle and deserves our Women’s Hall of Fame Mae Carol Jemison was born on October 17, 1956 in Decatur, Alabama In her family, she was the youngest of Her parents supported and encouraged Mae very much she was 16 years old when she graduated and she erned a chemical engineer degree from Stanford in 1977 then she earned a medical degree from Cornell university in 1981 Chicago is her hometown Mae Jemison deserves the Women’s hall of fame because of her hard work, she worked so hard in school, she went to Stanford and Cornell! She can also speak fluent Russan, Japanese, Swahili Also she is a great helping and caring person She was an area peace core medical officer She said that she wants to improve health care in west Africa She also encourages women and minoritys to enter scientific fields This is probably why she is a member of the asociation for the advancement of science Dr Jemison also worked CIGNA healthplans of California But these are nothing compared to this Mae Jemison flew into space! she was the first black female astranomer to go into space, she spent over 240 hours in space on the spacecraft Endeavor In space, she did all kinds of labs Mae and 14 others were chosen by NASA to go into space out of 2,000 peoples She was accepted in NASA’s astranaut program in 1987 She resigned from NASA in 1993 to persue her personal goals Well, Mae Jemison is more than just a person who works all the time, she has a life also Her hobies are photografy, forn languages, and a great skier! her cats Sneeze and Little Mama So these reasons why Mae Carol Jemison deserves a place in the Women’s hall of Fame On top of all that, she flew into space I think her wonderful life should be in the hall of Fame as a roll modle for people I will be very disapointed if she is not elected  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Research: Research Report • 53 Scoring Model for Research: Research Report Score This writer’s attempts to present a research report are unsuccessful Problem Points: No thesis statement Information lacks clear focus Insufficient sentence variety Weak organization Little interpretation or synthesis of information Incomplete information and ideas Numerous spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors No citations to support factual information Susan B Anthony Let me introduce you to a American women Susan Brownell Anthony She was born in Adams Masachuesets in 1820, secund of eight childrin When she was 15 she became a teacher inspired by her father when she was thirtie and got womens rights Here is why I thick she should be in the women’s hall of fame at our school One reason is becus of her curage to stand up and fight for rights When she meets Elizabeth Stanton the two got started in womens rights to get women to vote They publish a newspaper it was on injustices to women, and They started the womens sufrage movement Another reason becus of her bravery to vote illegaly When she was 52 she was finned a $100 dollars but she refused and was arrested and taken to jale then she died alittle bit later peacfully at her home in Rochester New York In 1919 congress approved the 19 amendment for women to vote Susan was against a lot of other things she also did’t like alkahol and she did’t like slavery that’s why she was in the loyal league against slavery 54 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Writing for Assessment Score This writer presents a well-elaborated persuasive essay for assessment with a clear, consistent organizational strategy and effective word choice Strong Points: Clearly defined thesis statement Supporting details appropriate to the specific audience Clear, consistent, and logical organization Fully elaborated points that support the thesis Effective transitions between ideas Highly effective word choices Excellent sentence variety Few mechanical errors Video Games in the Cafeteria It has come to my attention that the addition of video games to the cafeteria is being considered I am against this proposal entirely and wish to share some of the reasons for my concerns First of all, the addition of video games to our cafeteria would result in a more chaotic lunchroom than we have at present Students would gather around the machines yelling, cheering, and probably arguing about the game When students hear cheering, booing, etc., they want to know what is going on and often stand up or yell across the cafeteria to see what all the ruckus is about (This does not happen very often at the present time, but I am sure it would occur more frequently after the addition of video games.) Other students, who simply want to eat and speak to their friends, would have to talk over all the other noise This would be unbearable for the students and teachers in the cafeteria and it might even disturb nearby classes I know that by now you are well aware of the trivial things students fight over If video games were added to our lunch room, there would be further fights over such issues as whose turn it is, who is the best at what game, which game is better, and many other petty arguments This proposed change in the cafeteria would negatively affect the rest of the day for any student who participated in these games For example, students would prefer playing games to eating They would be playing games, and/or standing in line waiting to play games, or dawdling near the games instead of eating Students our age are most likely to be hungry, irritable, and tired by fifth period because of lack of nutrition Because of this, they may not be able to work as well or may miss out on important instructions, which would ultimately affect their grade Furthermore, adding video games to the cafeteria would give the principals extra work and would most likely cause them additional stress They would have the job of making a whole new list of cafeteria rules explaining times, ways and turns to play the games Therefore, they would have to add more teachers to the cafeteria in order to enforce these laws Still another concern is that video games are expensive Our students would have to have additional fund-raisers in order to buy these games, which not in any way contribute to their education This would be a wasteful use of the money that could be spent on computers, software, and especially new textbooks All of these are much more important than any arcade game In conclusion, please reconsider the addition of video games to our school cafeteria I am convinced that the addition would not be at all good for our school and would be more trouble than it is worth 62 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Writing for Assessment Score This writer presents a persuasive essay for assessment, using a clear organizational strategy and effective support Strong Points: Clearly identified thesis Clear organizational strategy with some inconsistencies Connected ideas Adequate sentence variety and vocabulary Details to support thesis Problem Points: Insufficient elaboration Some problems with sentence structure Some mechanical errors Video Games in the Cafeteria I think it would be a bad idea to put video games in the cafeteria Here are some reasons why not to put video/arcade games in the cafeteria First, it’s likely that students would skip classes and go to the cafeteria to play video games They might forget about the time, which would cause them to miss other classes As a result they would not know what was going on in classes and would get behind They might even end up flunking the 7th or 8th grade Secondly, the students might start to fight over the video games Students eating in the cafeteria could be bothered by the noise and fighting When they fight some students could end up getting hurt or hurting others This could lead to some students getting put in alternative schools Also food fights might start to happen And students would get hurt then to Finally, people would start to break the machines The video games would already be paid for by the taxpayers However, they would have to be fixed by the taxpayers or the school Some of these machines get pretty expensive The video games also cost a lot of money In conclusion, I am convinced, and hope that you are also, that video games should not be put in the cafeteria  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Writing for Assessment • 63 Scoring Model for Writing for Assessment Score This writer presents an organized persuasive essay for assessment, but its weaknesses outweigh its strengths Strong Points: Organizational strategy Thesis statement Problem Points Some inappropriate word choices and details No clear transitions Insufficient elaboration Repetitive vocabulary No sentence variety Numerous mechanical errors Video Games I’m against video games in the cafateria because they makes to much trouble Video games will start a fight because the big kids on the game will not take turns and make the little kids feel bad Some of the kids will skip in line and that will cause a fight video games will cause some kids to skip class and that will cause a big affect on them for instance If they skip they will not pass some of there classes Playing the game to long, and staying in line to long because you went your turn Video games will cause kids to break the machine For example the kids can break the machine The machine will take the kids mony and then they will get mad, they will get mad at the game because they can not bet the game I know you have spent a lot of money on the machine in the cafateria But I think its not good to put a game in the cafateria 64 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Writing for Assessment Score This writer’s attempt to present a persuasive essay for assessment is unsuccessful Problem Points: No position statement Lack of organizational strategy Inappropriate word choices and details Lack of elaboration Confusing, poor use of language Many grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors Video Games In many school districts, video games has been causeing bad things to happing, I think this issue is important because it has affect this school For example, skipping class an going to the cafteria to play the game Telling teachers that you have to go to the bathroom but you don’t When its lunch time you stay in the lunch room Or being late to class all the time and no panalty an class It cheat you money on the video game, like getting the game to start or the game will say you have games but you only got one To much fighting will get you trouble, if you were playing the game the person back of you will get made at the person an started to push him Well, I realy think this is a bad idea to put video game in the cafteria  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Writing for Assessment • 65 [...]...Scoring Model for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay Score 4 This writer presents a well-organized cause-and-effect essay with elaboration, effective vocabulary, and a clear writing style Strong Points: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Clearly stated purpose Consistent organizational strategy Full elaboration Appropriate word choices Clear transitions Consistently linked causes and effects... in all states that did not come back into the union by a certain date This would make the border states happy, and he would work for emancipation later in a way fair to those states that returned 38 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay—Score 4 (continued) One problem was that the North was still losing the war and ending slavery would look like an act of desperation... deciding what to do about slavery at the time of the Civil War in America He knew down deep that he wanted everyone to be free and so he wrote the Emancipation Proclamation There are many causes for his writing the Emancipation Proclamation, and there were many effects from it One cause was Lincoln’s personal opposition to slavery Therefore, it was nearly a sure thing that the Emancipation Proclamation... economics Lincoln himself would be long honored for the part he played in the freedom of slaves even to the present day All these are important effects of his signing of the Emancipation Proclamation 40 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay Score 2 Although this writer has organized causes and elaborated effects, this cause-and-effect essay’s weaknesses... Lincolns side So there wasnt no slavery And then Lincoln died with a note that went a little like this If my name go down in history, it shall be for this.” Something like that And then he sadly died 42 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay Score 4 This writer presents a clear, well-elaborated cause-and-effect essay with a consistent organizational... violence—a difficult family life, peer rejection, and school bullies—has its basis in a student’s inability to deal with a difficult situation without resorting to violence In many cases, schools can 48 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay—Score 4 (continued) change the violent behavior of their students by making a serious investment in time and resources Counseling... Cause-and-Effect Essay Score 3 This writer presents a well-organized and focused cause-and-effect essay with connections among ideas Strong Points: 1 2 3 4 5 Targets audience Clearly stated purpose for writing Some organizational strategy Clearly linked causes and effects Good conclusion Problem Points: 1 2 3 4 Lacks full elaboration and specific examples Some inconsistencies in organization Run-on sentences... officials may want to consider developing a special counceling program as a way to help students to cope with their violence feelings in a positive way Perhaps in this way, school violence can be reduced 50 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay Score 2 While this writer presents an organized cause-and-effect essay, its weaknesses outweigh its strengths... reason for school violence is jelousy One student is jelous of another clothes, jewelry, etc, and they fights over it, like to prove who is better So these is the reasons there is violence in school 52 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Model for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay Score 4 This writer presents a clear, well-elaborated cause-and-effect essay with a consistent organizational... violence—a difficult family life, peer rejection, and school bullies—has its basis in a student’s inability to deal with a difficult situation without resorting to violence In many cases, schools can 48 • Writing Assessment  Prentice-Hall, Inc Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay—Score 4 (continued) change the violent behavior of their students by making a serious investment in time and resources Counseling