Dying, Death and Grief Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page i This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. Praise for the book This book bridges the gap between the overly simplistic self-help type book and the more academic research-based one. For students, this will introduce research without overwhelming. Jan Hawkins, Independent Practitioner Full of common sense, wisdom and warmth it is a book about theory and skills, which is unique. Pam Firth, Isabel Hospice, Head of Family Support and Deputy Director Hospice Services I enjoyed reading this book. It is a very refreshing down to earth text that examines theory and research without becoming an academic tome. It is comprehensive, focused on practice and includes some very interesting reflective exercises that allow you to engage with the text by comparing and contrasting your experiences with the author’s ideas. The book contains important insights for developing the essential skills required to provide effective bereavement care. It covers a wide range of issues from bereave- ment support to the importance of dreams. Brenda points out that death is one of the most difficult experiences we encounter. After reading this book, I believe practitioners from many areas of health and social care will improve their knowledge and self confidence and be able to make a differ- ence to the experience of dying for the individual and the grieving family. Dr John Costello, Head of Primary Care, University of Manchester The term ‘grief counseling’ has been bandied about for several decades. Brenda Mallon gives the term definition in a way no one has done before. Her book provides a very readable introduction on helping bereaved people. The author recognizes that help comes from friends, lay counselors, leaders of self-help groups, and para-professionals as well as from mental health professionals. She has written in a way that will be useful to all of them. Well-chosen quotations, some from contemporary bereaved people and some from literature, illustrate almost every point. Each chapter ends with excellent exercises readers can do alone or as part of class to make the chapter’s material their own. If you are new to counseling the bereaved, this book is the best introduction I have seen. If you are an experienced grief counselor, this should be the next book you read. Prof Dennis Klass, leading researcher on bereavement, Webster University, USA Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page ii This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. Dying, Death and Grief Working with Adult Bereavement Brenda Mallon Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page iii This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. © Brenda Mallon 2008 First published 2008 Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form, or by any means, only with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers. SAGE Publications Ltd 1 Oliver’s Yard 55 City Road London EC1Y 1SP SAGE Publications Inc. 2455 Teller Road Thousand Oaks, California 91320 SAGE Publications India Pvt Ltd B 1/I 1 Mohan Cooperative Industrial Area Mathura Road New Delhi 110 044 SAGE Publications Asia-Pacific Pte Ltd 33 Pekin Street #02-01 Far East Square Singapore 048763 Library of Congress Control Number: 2007942229 British Library Cataloguing in Publication data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978-1-4129-3414-5 ISBN 978-1-4129-3415-2 (pbk) Typeset by C&M Digitals (P) Ltd, Chennai, India Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall Printed on paper from sustainable resources Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page iv This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. To Angela Trinder and Stephen Brook, for their unfailing generosity and support Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page v This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page vi This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. Contents Foreword viii Acknowledgements x Introduction 1 1 Attachment and Loss, Death and Dying. Theoretical Foundations for Bereavement Counselling 4 2 When Death Happens 17 3 Core Skills in Working with Those Who Grieve 31 4 When the Worst You Can Possibly Imagine Happens: Murder, Manslaughter and Suicide 47 5 ‘She should be over it by now’: Complicated Grief 63 6 Spirituality, Religion, Culture and Rituals 77 7 Creative Approaches to Expressing Grief 103 8 Dreams in Dying, Death and Grief 118 Resources 128 Glossary 151 Appendix: Assessments and Scales 157 References 162 Index 185 Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page vii This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. Foreword We live in an interesting time. Modern media such as television and the internet has brought death into our living rooms. We follow not only the tragedies of war and violence, but we read details of illness and death in the newspapers. We become aware of how people from many parts of the world deal with these losses and with their accompanying grief. One way of coping in the western world has been to label these experiences in ways that removes some of the immediacy of the associated pain, at least for the observer. We talk of the ‘symptoms’ of grief. A symptom is usually associ- ated with an illness thus implying that something is wrong with the indi- vidual who is suffering in this way. This can evolve into giving a mourner a diagnosis of having a psychiatric illness. What follows is the suggestion that these people need treatment and care, so that they will get over their pain and move on. This language gives the impression that people can be cured of their grief. Some of us have talked about this as the medicalization of grief. We have arrived at a point where concerned family and friends tell mourners who are upset that they need treatment, that they need the skills of a professional to cure them. In so doing they move the responsibility for care and concern about the grief they see to a professional and become very self conscious about their not knowing enough to help. In this atmosphere, Brenda Mallon, has written a book that gives a contrasting view of grief. She writes that grief is not an illness from which one recovers with the proper treatment. Rather she provides the reader with information, and guidelines so that those who want to help the bereaved can see how to provide support, and friendship and be there for those they know who are grieving. Much of what she says is directed to the professional counselor. However, much of it is also of great value to friends and family who want to help. She doesn't use jargon, she doesn't judge, she recognizes that there is no one way to mourn, and that in the long run, with appropriate support, the bereaved find their own direction. A creativ- ity emerges as the bereaved cope with their pain. She clearly reviews what we know, from current research, about the pain and suffering that can be associated with grief. She highlights the fact that this is not a condition for which there is a cure. People are changed by the loss; they find a new sense of self, and a new way of living in the world. She reminds us that the deceased stay with us, and in some way are always a part of who we are. Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page viii This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. Foreword ix As she writes to prepare professional counselors for this work, she points to the importance of dealing with our own experiences with grief. This is not a situation where the counselor can look out at those they are trying to help as the ‘other’. Dealing with death is something all of us must do. The line between the personal and the professional becomes very thin for those of us who are working and doing research in this part of the human expe- rience. It becomes important to recognize our own humanity and vulnera- bility, to review our own experience to see how it informs our practice. Mallon emphasizes the need for relationships at a most difficult period in human experience – that is, when someone we care about dies, such as a parent, a spouse, a child or a friend. She points to the value of meeting oth- ers who have had a similar experience. This makes it possible to find a com- mon language and to learn from the experience of others. It helps the mourner to not feel unique or alone with their pain and provides them with various options for how to cope. In sharing an experience a mourner gets another perspective on their experience and can see that what they are going through is part of being human; providing them with new options they may not have seen before. We need to keep in mind that the helper in this process is also helped. At the end of each chapter Mallon has recommended exercises. These range from questionnaires that document what the bereaved are experienc- ing to suggestions for art work and other activities that help the bereaved understand what they are experiencing and finding directions for ways through the grief. These exercises put control in the hands of the bereaved, empowering them to act on their own behalf. In some ways these exercises complete this book. They provide another level of understanding and an opportunity for bereaved to share very personal experiences that can be very difficult for any author to otherwise capture.This book is a step in our effort to remind the reader that grief is part of the human experience that we all have to deal with; and that the real experts are the mourners themselves. Phyllis R. Silverman, PhD, 2008 Women’s Studies Research Centre, Harvard, USA Mallon-3704-Prelims:00-Mallon-Ch-Prelims 6/20/2008 3:14 PM Page ix This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera. Unauthorised distribution forbidden. [...]... with Dying, Death and Grief The patrons of The Grief Centre, Manchester Area Bereavement Forum provided inspiration in their conference presentations and personal discussions, so thanks to Professors Phyllis Rolfe Silverman and Steven Wright, the late Jack Morgan and Jim Kykendall Many others including David Trickey, John Holland and Jeanie Civil added to this book by their empathic insights and wisdom... copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera Unauthorised distribution forbidden Mallon-3704-Ch-01:02-Mallon-Ch-01.qxp 6/20/2008 3:12 PM Page 10 Dying, Death and Grief through grieving Current thinking on grief encompasses both the letting go of bonds and the holding on to the attachment (Klass et al 1996) This Oscillation Model, going in and out of grief, remembering and forgetting, focusing on the past and. .. Mallon-3704-Ch-01:02-Mallon-Ch-01.qxp 6/20/2008 3:12 PM Page 12 Dying, Death and Grief The need to understand loss The dead help us to write their stories – ours as well In a sense, every story has a ghost writer (Becker and Knudson, 2003: 714) Humans are meaning-making animals, and when confronted with the death of someone we care about we need to understand what happened and why, and build a narrative around loss (McLeod... understanding of the grief process in her ongoing research (Silverman 2001) 14 This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera Unauthorised distribution forbidden Mallon-3704-Ch-01:02-Mallon-Ch-01.qxp 6/20/2008 3:12 PM Page 15 Attachment and Loss, Death and Dying She argues that our values, attitudes and beliefs about death and bereavement are not fixed in stone, but are responsive to and modified... copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera Unauthorised distribution forbidden Mallon-3704-Ch-02:03-Mallon-Ch-02 6/20/2008 3:13 PM Page 24 Dying, Death and Grief Anticipatory grief and palliative care Palliative care is defined in the NICE guidelines as ‘the holistic care of patients with advanced, progressive illness Management of pain and other symptoms and provision of psychological, social and spiritual... they die, anything but relief And when the relief fades the final reality of death seeps in, you’re left with huge waves of pure, lonely grief and it’s all you can do to keep standing (2006: 336) She dreads revisiting the grief she felt when her brother and husband died within three days of each other The quality of death affects the quality of the grieving process Where a death is anticipated, the quality... someone who believes in heaven and hell and who fears eternal damnation Negative reactions to death and dying are not universal and personal philosophies will influence individual reactions 8 This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera Unauthorised distribution forbidden Mallon-3704-Ch-01:02-Mallon-Ch-01.qxp 6/20/2008 3:12 PM Page 9 Attachment and Loss, Death and Dying J William Worden,... aspects of the person such as behaving as they did and acting in a way the deceased would have approved of 21 This SAGE ebook is copyright and is supplied by Dawsonera Unauthorised distribution forbidden Mallon-3704-Ch-02:03-Mallon-Ch-02 6/20/2008 3:13 PM Page 22 Dying, Death and Grief Recovery from grief is natural, and by helping people to understand that accepting the loss is not a betrayal we can... commissioning Dying, Death and Grief to applaud the editorial team, Claire Reeve, Alice Oven and Rachel Burrows who worked so hard to polish the manuscript Finally, without the love and support of my family in both my bereavement counselling and writing, this book would not have been possible So, thanks to Styx, Crystal and Danny Brenda Mallon Manchester, February 2008 This SAGE ebook is copyright and is... Laungani and Young (1997) redressed the balance in Death and Bereavement across Cultures which covers variations in grief responses in different cultures in great depth and is an excellent addition to the body of knowledge in bereavement care in the twenty-first century In the 1960s Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-born physician and psychiatrist, pioneered death studies Her seminal book On Death and Dying . Creative Approaches to Expressing Grief 103 8 Dreams in Dying, Death and Grief 118 Resources 128 Glossary 151 Appendix: Assessments and Scales 157 References 162 Index. weaken the knees and blind the eyes. (Joan Didion 2005a) Dying, Death and Grief brings together new research that integrates socio- logical and anthropological