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... through the cafeteria and the iGym, past the climbing wall and the aquariumand the Zen center, then outside to the skateboard halfpipe and the mountain bike trails and the rifle range, back into the ... center, past the smoothie bar, the transgendered supportgroup meeting, the aromatherapy room and the massage centerwhere a squadron of therapists are rolling out their massagechairs for the afternoon ... me.“I’m not agreed,” I say.They ignore me.“We’re all set,” Tom says. The meeting breaks up. All of the board members hurry out of the room. None of them says good-bye to me. They won’t evenlook at...

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... here at Apple 45 0306815 842 -01.qxd 8/9/07 2:16 PM Page 45 them. Let them believe they survived for a few days. Then, whenthey’re relaxed, call them in and fire them. It’s all part of creatingand ... hypnotized. They’ll forget all about these options. I’ll have them skipping out of the building and shrieking becausethey imagine the guy in the UPS truck is Britney Spears jumpingout of a limo.But ... 61I go down the hall to see them. They’ve turned the Crosbyinto their own little war room, with a coffee machine and a tray of unhealthy pastries and a gaggle of paralegals and other assis-tants...

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... class="bi x0 y0 w0 h0" alt="" oPtion$ the secret life of steve jobs a parody by fake steve jobs DA CAPO PRESSA Member of the Perseus Books Group0306815 842 -FM.qxd 8/9/07 2:13 PM Page iiicontentsPrologue ... you’re the pivot man, sitting in the 14 0306815 842 -01.qxd 8/9/07 2:16 PM Page 14 “Takes to a new level Lyons’s depth of understanding of allthings Steve Jobs, and stretches his Steve Jobs ‘voice’ ... gleeful send-up of the real Steve Jobs set amid the recent stock options backdating scandal. . . . Tech industry watchers whoknow (or know of) the players will get a kick out of seeing themskewered.”...

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... informedmy design of the room, and how much time I spent working out the size of the windows and the size of the space between the windows so that the ratio would be perfect. I told him how the board ... create the impression that the boul-ders and stream had been there all along, and that the buildinghad been set up around them. The rest of the campus isn’t like this, of course. Those are the buildings ... After the meal, Larry gets upand shows off his karate moves, which scares the shit out of the geisha girls. They all go running from the room screaming.By the time we’re done it’s five in the...

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... back to the Jobs Jet andget the hell out of there. But the plant manager insists I go on atour of the dorms where the workers live, so I can see how great the conditions are. I tell him there’s ... beashamed of yourselves.”Rule Number One when talking to people who think they’repowerful is this: Insult them. Tell them they’re stupid. Challengethem. Unlike the rest of the world, they’re ... of all we sit around a conference table whose legs arecarved to look like the Seven Dwarves from Snow White. Theseare intended to match the pillars holding up the roof on the out-side of the...

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... where all the big-shots from the Valley are sitting around a table. It’s like the meeting of the Five Families scene from Godfather One. There’s 34 140 0306815 842 -02.qxd 8/9/07 2:18 PM Page 140 I’m ... him and told him he had the job. The poor bastard called the San Jose Mercury News and told themhe’d been hired to be the CEO of Apple. Then the Merc and allthese other newspapers did stories ... watering. The next time he offers I say okay and he hands meone of the hash brown things. It looks like a scab that came off the back of a horse’s balls. But I have to admit, the taste of it—wow. The...

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... are the worst of all. I try not to look at them. But there isno avoiding the sound of their fans, whirring and droning. The assistant lawyers introduce themselves. They can barelyconceal the ... But there’s anotherway to look at these objects, and in this other way of looking atthem, which is the way we look at them in Cupertino, well, let’sjust say you could kind of start to see these ... ten in the morning and we’re in the San Francisco U.S.Attorney’s office, a suite of rooms on the eleventh floor of a hor-rifically ugly office building on Golden Gate. The place has all the charm...

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... them.”“You take their money.”“They give only what they want to give.”“They won’t give much after I go back down there and tellthem the truth.”“Yeah, see, that’s the beauty of it. They won’t believe ... seat. “They played Sonya and Zackoff each other. Told them one of them was going to go free and the other was going to go to jail, and it was up to them to decide,but whoever rolls first gets the ... look at the rest of the board. “You’re all voting with Tomon this?”They all kind of shrug and nod. None of them dares to actu-ally speak to me—they’re not that bold yet—but it’s clear they’reno...

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... Definitely. The CEO is the guy who runs the company. The chairman is just a figurehead.”“But the chairman’s above the CEO, right?”“Not really.”“Well why did Sinatra call himself the chairman of the board? ... build anything. All they do is makedeals. They’re criminals, basically.Worse yet, there is no point to any of these meetings. It’s all aform of Kabuki theater. All of the actual work gets ... imaginary box onto the center of the table, infront of him. “It’s right there in front of you. A billion dollars.Take it. You’re the big hero who nailed Steve Jobs. ”“There’s no point in you doing...

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... ride in the jet?”By the time we touch down in Scottsdale the details havebeen worked out. Ja’Red will get a billion dollars, plus the Jobs Jet and the Jobs Domicile, and of course the Jobs jobs, ... buy the catalog, and then2 24 0306815 842 -03.qxd 8/9/07 3:21 PM Page 2 24 arranged to fly him up here for the holiday. We sent the Jobs Jetto Lima to get him.At midnight, six hours into the trip, ... computer built entirely out of a singlesheet of touch-screen plastic that you can roll up and carry withyou in a tube. All of the parts the keyboard, the screen, the bat-tery, the speakers—can be...

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