... response to the question with relevant ideas Your conclusion is good However, some ideas are vaguely expressed Besides, some main points in paragraph and may be lacking in supporting examples... are visible There is overall progression throughout However, there are some mistakes with connectives (On THE OTHER hand, Last but not least, etc.) Attempts to use less common vocabulary are visible... there are some grammatical errors Try to be more precise in your expression A good piece of writing Try to expand your lexical resources and pay more attention to grammar Remember to be concise