HƯỚNG DẪN NÂNG CẤP BÀI VIẾT TASK BAND 6.0 -> BAND 9.0 BY NGOC BACH In the future, it seems it will be more difficult to live on the Earth Some people think more money should be spent on researching other planets to live, such as Mars To what extent you agree or disagree with this statement? ANSWER It is true that there are several discussions about whether authorities in many countries should invest more money on finding other new places for creatures to survive because of the rising difficulties of living on the Earth While I agree that the Earth is as not as [1] favourable as it was in the past, I also believe that the too much expenditure on space research too much is a waste of time and money as well On the one hand, there are two major reasons why I suppose consider [2] that it is becoming impossible for ordinary people to settle down [3] on the Earth The first reason is that natural resouses resources are put in dangers being depleted [4] due to the uncontrolled consumption of people To generate electricity, for example, the growing amount of oil, gas and coal used to meet humans human [5] demand on a daily basis, which have has [6] serious impacts on the [7] environment The second reason is that a great number of countries has have [8] witnessed environmental pollutions pollution [9] which has [10] affected adversely to humankind In many factories in Vietnam, there has have [11] been thousands of [12] tons of industrial rubbish released illegally into rivers nearby On the other hand, I believe that governments should be not encouraged to spend more money on seeking a new planet on which [13] to survive in the future Firstly, the expenses of researching in the space industry might account for a huge amount of money in the national budgets It would be more effective that if the authorities should use used [14] them this money [15] to invest on in many other key fields such as education, health and especially transportation, which would [16] raise the living standard of the citizens Furthermore, the development of advanced technology would be a much better solution to improve the survival of humankind on the Earth Politicians should run more campaigns to encourage people to use green energy sources instead of natural resouses resources In conclusion, despite the fact that there have been numerous problems living on the Earth, I also believe that it is not necessary for governments to spend more expenses money [17] on seeking other new planets for humans to survive in the future 339 words Written by Tung (Học sinh lớp IELTS Writing Ngoc Bach tháng 04/2016) Band ~6.0 Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com There are quite a lot of corrections to note: Grammar: the structure is: as + adjective + as This explanation is excellent: http://www.edufind.com/english-grammar/comparing-attributes/ Vocabulary: ‘suppose’ suggests that we are guessing something, without having any information A much more accurate synonym for ‘believe’ is ‘consider’ See: https://www.italki.com/question/209900 Vocabulary: delete ‘down’ The idea of ‘settle’ is ‘colonise’ This is the correct word ‘Settle down’ has a different meaning: http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/settle-down?q=settle+down Vocabulary: the correct phrase is always ‘in danger’ (‘danger’ is not used in the plural in this phrase) However, the exact words to express this idea are: ‘being depleted’ – this explains precisely what is happening to the world’s resources: http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/deplete?q=deplete Vocabulary: ‘human’ is often used as an adjective to = ‘of humans’ This is very important to remember See: http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/human_1?q=human Grammar: the subject of the verb is in the singular form [‘the growing amount’] Therefore, the verb must also be in the 3rd person singular [‘has] When used as a noun, this is almost always referred to as ‘the environment’ See number in this dictionary reference: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/environment Grammar: this is similar to correction This time, the subject of the verb is in the plural form [‘a great number of countries’] Therefore, the verb must be in the 3rd person plural [‘have’] Vocabulary: ‘pollution’ is an uncountable noun, so it can never be used in the plural 10 Grammar: as a result of correction 9, the subject of the verb is now an uncountable noun, so the verb must be in the 3rd person singular [‘has’] 11 Grammar: the rule is ‘there has been + singular or uncountable noun’ or ‘there have been + plural noun’ See: http://www.myenglishteacher.eu/question/which-one-iscorrect-there-has-been-or-there-have-been/ 12 Grammar: it is important to know how to refer to big numbers See: www.ieltssimon.com In the Archives section of the home page, click on the blog for October 11, 2012 13 Grammar: this is a structure of ‘preposition + relative pronoun’ To understand when it is used, see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/learnitv286.shtml 14 Grammar: this is an imaginary situation – it has not in fact happened yet The 2nd conditional form should be used when we write about such a situation See: https://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verbs-conditional_3.htm Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com 15 Grammar: this is a mistake which the IELTS examiners call ‘referencing’ It is part of the mark for the section ‘coherence and cohesion’ Here, we not know what ‘them’ refers to, so we must make this clear 16 Grammar: this is related to correction 14 The reference is still to an imaginary situation: IF the authorities invested money in things like education, then this WOULD raise living standards 17 Vocabulary: we can spend money, but we cannot spend ‘expenses’ See number in the definition of ‘expenses’: http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/expense?q=expense COMMENT (BY NGOCBACH) The essay has been well planned and constructed The Essay Plan drawn from an analysis of this task indicates good planning The only thing to improve is the final part of paragraph 3, where the ideas of campaigns to educate people to use green energy sources is not linked well to the idea of the development of advanced technology In all other respects, the ideas are all relevant They are developed and real-life examples give ‘focus’ to the arguments The opinion is clear throughout and each argument is clearly identified for the examiner With the exception mentioned in the paragraph above, the ideas are welllinked and the paragraph structure is clear and logical It would achieve at least a score of for task response and coherence/cohesion in my view However, the number of grammar and vocabulary mistakes would seriously lower the score and it would probably achieve only overall I have used some of the good topic vocabulary in the amended essay below Essay Plan: Introduction: introduce the topic, give own opinion Paragraph 2: why it is becoming more difficult to live on planet Earth [1] overconsumption causes the depletion of natural resources Example: energy demands and fossil fuels [2] growing problems of pollution Example: Vietnam – dumping of rubbish into rivers by some industries Paragraph 3: spending money to find new planets to settle is a waste of resources [1] Money is needed to raise the living standards of people and provide good health and Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com education services [2] Money should also be used to develop advanced technology, such as the funding of green energy projects Conclusion: looking for new planets to colonise is a waste of time and resources Repeat the opinion in the introduction – disagree with the statement Dịch đại ý: Dàn ý viết: Mở bài: Giới thiệu chủ đề, đưa ý kiến riêng Đoạn văn 2: sống trái đất ngày khó khăn hơn? [1] tiêu thụ nhiều gây cạn kiệt tài nguyên thiên nhiên Ví dụ: nhu cầu lượng nhiên liệu hóa thạch [2] vấn đề ô nhiễm ngày gia tăng Ví dụ: Việt Nam – việc xả thải dòng sông số doanh nghiệp Đoạn văn 3: chi tiền tìm hành tinh để định cư lãng phí nguồn lực [1] Cần tiền để nâng cao mức sống người dân cung cấp dịch vụ y tế, giáo dục tốt [2] Tiền nên sử dụng để phát triển công nghệ tiên tiến, chẳng hạn tài trợ cho dự án lượng xanh Kết luận: tìm kiếm hành tinh để xâm chiếm lãng phí thời gian nguồn lực Lặp lại ý kiến khổ mở - không đồng ý với ý kiến Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com Amended essay by Ngoc Bach [band 9] It is true that, if present trends continue, it will become increasingly difficult to sustain human life on Earth While I agree that it is vital to tackle this problem, I believe that expenditure on research for new planets to colonise should be given a low priority, and resources must be used to find other, more practical solutions There are two major reasons why life on Earth is becoming more and more unsustainable One obvious problem is the uncontrolled consumption of natural resources, which are being depleted as a result For instance, the extraction of fossil fuels, such as coal, gas and oil, to satisfy growing energy demands has serious environmental impacts, and these resources will eventually run out Another concern is the rising level of pollution worldwide, of the land, the oceans and the air that we breathe In Vietnam, for example, thousands of tons of industrial rubbish have been released illegaly into rivers, killing aquatic life and contaminating drinking water However, I would argue that the search for a new planet on which humans could survive is a waste of valuable resources Firstly, a vast amount of funding would be required to finance such space exploration, with no guarantee of success This money is needed now to improve health services globally and to provide better education for all Secondly, financial resources should be used to develop advanced technologies that would be more environmentally-friendly and provide renewable energy In the field of transport, to take a simple example, vehicles can now be converted to run on hydrogen or even waste cooking oil – as McDonald’s have done with their trucks In conclusion, I consider that the search for new planets on which to settle is a waste of time and resources, and efforts should be concentrated on living more sustainably here on Earth 303 words Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com Dịch đại ý: Sự thật là, xu hướng tiếp diễn, việc trì sống người trái đất trở nên ngày khó khăn Trong đồng ý quan trọng để giải vấn đề này, tin chi phí cho nghiên cứu hành tinh để định cư nên ưu tiên thấp, nguồn lực phải sử dụng để tìm giải pháp khác thiết thực Có hai lý giải thích sống Trái đất ngày trở nên không bền vững Một vấn đề hiển nhiên tiêu thụ không kiểm soát nguồn tài nguyên thiên nhiên, mà hậu ngày khan Ví dụ, việc khai thác nhiên liệu hóa thạch than, khí đốt dầu, để đáp ứng nhu cầu lượng ngày tăng tác động môi trường cách nghiêm trọng, nguồn lực cuối cạn kiệt Một mối quan tâm khác mức gia tăng tình trạng ô nhiễm toàn giới, đất, đại dương không khí mà hít thở Ví dụ, Việt Nam, hàng ngàn rác thải công nghiệp thải trái phép sông, giết chết đời sống thủy sinh ô nhiễm nguồn nước uống Tuy nhiên, cho việc tìm kiếm hành tinh mà người sống sót lãng phí tài nguyên giá trị Thứ nhất, số lượng lớn nguồn tài trợ yêu cầu để tài trợ cho thăm dò không gian, mà bảo đảm thành công Lượng tiền cần thiết để cải thiện dịch vụ y tế toàn cầu cung cấp giáo dục tốt cho tất Thứ hai, nguồn lực tài nên sử dụng để phát triển công nghệ tiên tiến mà thân thiện với môi trường cung cấp lượng tái tạo Lấy ví dụ đơn giản, lĩnh vực vận tải, xe chuyển đổi sang chạy hydro chí dầu ăn - McDonald làm với xe tải họ Tóm lại, cho việc tìm kiếm hành tinh để định cư lãng phí thời gian nguồn lực,; nỗ lực nên tập trung vào việc sống cách bền vững trái đất Bản sửa lại gửi đến cựu giám khảo IELTS Lee (ielts-liz.com giới thiệu Một website uy tín Hội đồng anh IDP tin tưởng) chấm 9.0 http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-essay-correction/ DOWNLOAD BÀI CHẤM ĐIỂM TẠI ĐÂY: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_SZnHS0AHuxOXdQMXE1VXcyTWs/view Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com VOCABULARY Sustain [verb] [giữ vững, chống đỡ] support something/somebody in order to be able to continue to live Example: In the past, sailors took large supplies of fresh water and food on their ships to sustain them on their long voyages colonise: [verb] [chiếm làm thuộc địa] take control of an area in order to live there Example: European countries tried to colonise all the countries of South-East Asia low priority: [noun] [ưu tiên thấp] something that you think is less important than other things and should be dealt with last Example: Government spending on the arts is a low priority during times of economic crisis unsustainable: [adjective] [không thể chống đỡ được] that cannot be continued at the same rate or level Example: Experts predict that economic growth in China is unsustainable deplete: [verb] [thiếu hụt] reduce by a large amount, so that there is not much left Example: After months without rain, the amount of water available to supply the city was seriously depleted extraction: [noun] [sự chọn lọc/ chiết] the act or process of removing something Example: The extraction of salt from the sea has been practised for many centuries run out: [phrasal verb] [cạn kiệt] if something runs out, it is used up or finished Example: The supermarket had run out of bread, so I had to go to a different shop aquatic life: [noun] [đời sống thủy sinh] the creatures and plants that live in rivers and lakes Example: The chemicals which the factory put into the river killed all the aquatic life contaminate: [verb] [làm bẩn, làm nhiễm] make a place dirty by adding something that is dangerous Example: The pollution resulting from all the traffic in the city is contaminating the air that people breathe guarantee: [noun] [sự đảm bảo] something which makes something else certain to happen Example: There is no guarantee that money will bring happiness environmentally-friendly: [adjective] [có tính thân thiện với môi trường] not damaging the environment Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com Example: Recycling is one way in which people can act in an environmentally-friendly way renewable energy: [noun] [năng lượng tái tạo] replaced naturally, so that there is no danger that it will finish Example: Wind and solar power are examples of renewable energy sources convert: [verb] [đổi, biến đổi] changed from one form or system to another Example: The church in our street has been converted into a restaurant waste: [adjective] [bỏ hoang] no longer needed for a particular process and therefore thrown away Example: People are encouraged to recycle their waste newspapers and plastic settle: [verb] [định cư] make a place your permanent home Example: After his father died, he decided to settle in Paris Written by Ngoc Bach Website: www.ngocbach.com