Characters : Santa Claus, Elf, Reindeer (up to 9) Setting : Santa’s house at the North Pole; the Slim Up Center (Scene 1: Santa is standing in front of the mirror looking at himself, patting his belly and flexing his biceps.) Santa : Ho, ho, ho Look at me 350 pounds of pure, lean muscle Wow Elf : (coming through the door) Hey, Fatso, it’s time to go You still have million presents to deliver before tomorrow morning Santa : (angry) Hey, hey, hey! What did you just call me, you little weasel? Who are you calling fat? I’m not fat I’m in top shape In fact, I think I’ve never looked better before I’m a lean, mean present machine Elf : (shaking his head) Yeah, yeah, whatever, Santa Let’s just go The reindeer and the sleigh are ready to roll Santa : Okay, let’s go then (Santa is going to the sleigh) Rudolph: Good heavens Look at Santa He’s getting fatter every day Do we really have to pull the sleigh with all those presents AND him? I might pull a muscle Dancer: You’re right; Santa’s not getting any slimmer Comet: Listen guys I have an idea (The reindeer stand in a circle with their heads together whispering) Why don’t we take Santa to the Slim Up Center? Prancer: The Slim Up Center? Isn’t that terribly expensive? And we don’t have any money How can we afford that? Vixen: We could give them some presents instead Maybe they’ll be okay with that Cupid : Okay, that’s a very good idea Let’s go then Santa, are you ready? Santa : Sure guys Let’s go (Sleigh drives off After a few minutes Santa notices it’s going the wrong way) Hey guys, where are we going? Donner: Well, Santa, we can’t pull your weight any longer We think it’s time for you to go on a diet Santa : A diet? What are you talking about? I’m as thin as a stick! Blitzen: Well, a giant stick, Santa Just face it You need to lose some weight Santa : But I don’t want to… Dasher: No buts, Santa There’s no way out Hurry up guys, we’re almost there (Scene 2: At the Slim Up Center) Rudolph: Listen, Santa The girl at the reception gave me this list of questions you need to fill in Don’t worry; we’ll help you with it First question: What you usually have for breakfast? Santa : Breakfast? Let me see I have 12 slices of toast with marmalade Dancer: (Surprised) Twelve slice of toast? Santa : Six sausages Comet: (Shocked) Six sausages? Santa : Eight eggs Prancer: (Surprised) Eight eggs? Santa : And four cups of coffee with lots of milk and sugar Vixen : (Shocked) Four cups of coffee? With lots of sugar? Cupid : Don’t you eat any fruit, Santa? Santa : Fruit? What you think I am? A monkey? Monkeys eat fruit Donner: But Santa, fruit is really good for you You should try it Okay, next question: What you have for lunch? Santa : Lunch? Well, I usually have six pieces of fried chicken Blitzen: (Surprised) Six pieces? Santa : French fries and cola Supersized, of course And a big ice-cream for dessert Dasher: (Shocked) Supersized? Big ice-cream? Don’t you eat any vegetables, Santa? Santa : Vegetables? What you think I am? A rabbit? Rabbits eat vegetables Rudolph: But Santa, vegetables are really good for you They keep you fit Santa : Yeah right Next you’re going to tell me exercise is good for me Hah Dancer: But it is, Santa Last question: What you have for dinner? Santa : Not much I don’t eat that much for dinner Just a pizza and a soda Comet: Would that be a family-sized pizza, Santa? And a bucket of soda? Santa : Yes, of course What you think I am? A supermodel? Prancer: Okay, that’s it I’ll hand in the questionnaire and see what they say Santa : Well, hurry up, I’m getting hungry Vixen : (Comes back) Right, Santa The bad news is that you are quite a bit overweight The good news is that you can start your programme immediately Unfortunately, you’ll have to stay here until you’ve lost 150 pounds Santa : (Unbelieving) Stay here? Lose 150 pounds? How long will that take? Cupid : Well, they were not really sure how long it would take, but they thought we should be able to pick you in three years or so Santa : (Getting angry) In three years? But… Donner: Not buts, Santa We’re doing this for your own good We’ll ask the Elves to find a substitute Santa Santa : (Getting angrier) A substitute Santa? But there’s only one Santa Me! Donner: Not buts, Santa And please don’t get upset, you might get a heart attack Santa : (speechless) But… Reindeer (all together): Merry Christmas, Santa Goodbye! (Reindeer wave goodbye and ride off, leaving a depressed Santa behind) The End