HEADMASTER: Well now Mr Perkins, it was good of you to come in I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired _ PERKINS: Oh dear HEADMASTER: He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever He refuses to muck in on the sports field And it’s been weeks since any master has received any written work from him PERKINS: Dear me HEADMASTER: Quite frankly Mr Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled [Long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea Perkins looks up.] PERKINS: I beg your pardon? _HEADMASTER: Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’d be out on his ear PERKINS: He’s dead? HEADMASTER: Yes he’s lying up in the sick bay now Stiff as a board and bright green And it’s very typical of his current attitude _ PERKINS: [shocked] But [Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins] HEADMASTER: You see, the boy has no sense of moderation One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable and beginning to smell PERKINS: Well, how did he die?! _ HEADMASTER: Is that important? _ PERKINS:[incredulous] Yes, I think so! HEADMASTER: Well, it’s all got to with the library you see We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died But you’ll be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline You see, the library card system [Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks up one of the library cards] PERKINS: Wait I’m sorry You BEAT my son to death? Compiled: Martín Martínez Barragán _ Checked : Juan C David HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes So it would seem Please, I’m not used to being interrupted You see, the library card system was introduced PERKINS: Well, exactly what happened? HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books PERKINS: No, during the beating! HEADMASTER: Oh, that Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was lying down PERKINS: DEAD?! HEADMASTER: Ummm deadish Mr Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing [Stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins] HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from PERKINS: Well, did you have to beat him to death?! HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear I wondered then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on [Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to "get medieval" on the Headmaster] PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?! HEADMASTER: I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral, I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday! [A bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door] PERKINS: This is preposterous! HEADMASTER: Yes it is Or at least it would be if it were true _ PERKINS: WHAT?!?! HEADMASTER: I’ve been joking, Mr Perkins Pardon me, it’s my strange academic sense of humour I’ve been pulling your leg - [Mr Perkins sighs with relief] HEADMASTER: I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit 625 W Compiled: Martín Martínez Barragán _ Checked : Juan C David hedmɑːstə | wel nɑʊ mɪstə pɜːkɪnz | ɪt wəz gʊd əv ju tə kʌm ɪn | aɪ ɹɪəlaɪz ðət ju əɹ ə bɪzi mæn | bət aɪ dəʊn(t) θɪŋk ðɪs mætə kʊd bi dɪskʌst əʊvə ði ɪlektɹɪk teləfəʊn | pɜːkɪnz | nəʊ | nə(ʊ) æbsəluːtli hedmɑːstə | aɪ miːn | ɪf tɒmi ɪz ɪn sʌm sɔːt əv tɹʌbl̩ | ðen | aɪ wɒnt tə nɪp ɪt ɪn ðə bʌd | hedmɑːstə | wel kwaɪt fɹæŋkli | tɒmi ɪz ɪn tɹʌbl̩ | ɹiːsəntli hɪz bɪheɪviə | həz left ə gɹeɪt diːl tə bi dɪzaɪəd | pɜːkɪnz | əʊ dɪə | hedmɑːstə | hi siːmz tə teɪk nəʊ ɪntərest ɪn skuːl laɪf wɒtsəʊevə | hi rɪfjuːzɪz tə mʌk ɪn ɒn ðə spɔːts fiːld | ən(d) ɪts biːn wiːks sɪns eni mɑːstə | həz rɪsiːvd eni ɹɪtn̩ wɜːk fɹəm (h)ɪm | pɜːkɪnz | dɪə mi: | hedmɑːstə | kwaɪt fɹæŋkli mɪstə pɜːkɪnz | ɪf hi wɒzn(t) ded | aɪd hæv hɪm ɪkspeld | lɒŋ pɔːz əz hedmɑːstə sɪts dɑʊn ən(d) sɪps (h)ɪz tiː | pɜːkɪnz lʊks ʌp | pɜːkɪnz | aɪ beg jɔː pɑːdn̩ | hedmɑːstə | jes | ɪkspeld | ɪf aɪ wɒzn(t) meɪkɪŋ əlɑ(ʊ)ənsɪz fə ðə fæk(t) ðət jɔː sʌn ɪz ded | hiːd bi ɑʊt ɒn (h)ɪz ɪə | pɜːkɪnz | hiːz ded | hedmɑːstə | jes | hiːz laɪɪŋ ʌp ɪn ðə sɪk beɪ nɑʊ | stɪf əz ə bɔːd ən(d) bɹaɪt gɹiːn | ən(d) ɪts veɹi tɪpɪkl̩ | əv hɪz kʌɹənt ætɪtjuːd | pɜːkɪnz | ʃɒkt | bʌt |hedmɑːstə stæn(d)z ʌp ən(d) muːvz bəhaɪn(d) pɜːkɪnz | hedmɑːstə | ju siː ðə bɔɪ hæz nəʊ sens əv mɒdəɹeɪʃn̩ | wʌn məʊmənt hiːz flaɪɪŋ əɹɑʊn(d) laɪk ə peɪpə kaɪt | ən(d) ðə neks(t) məʊmənt hiːz kəmpliːti ɪmuːvəbl̩ | ən(d) bəgɪnɪŋ tə smel | pɜːkɪnz | wel hɑʊ dɪd hi daɪ | hedmɑːstə | wel ɪz ðæt ɪmpɔːtn̩t | pɜːkɪnz | ɪŋkɹedjuləs | jes aɪ θɪŋk səʊ | hedmɑːstə | wel | wel ɪts ɔːl gɒt tə duː wɪð ðə laɪbɹəɹi ju siː | wiːv hæd ə lɒt əv tɹʌbl riːsn̩tli | wɪð bɔɪz teɪkɪŋ ɑʊt laɪbɹəɹi bʊks wɪðɑʊt laɪbɹəɹi kɑːdz | jɔː sʌn wəz kɔ:t | ən(d) aɪ ədmɪnɪstəd ə biːtɪŋ | djʊəɹɪŋ wɪt͡ʃ hi daɪd | bət juːl bi glæd tə nəʊ | ðət ðə ɹɪŋ liːdə wəz kɔ:t | səʊ aɪ dəʊn(t) θɪŋk wiːl bi hævɪŋ eni mɔː tɹʌbl̩ wɪð laɪbɹəɹi dɪsəplɪn | ju siː ðə laɪbɹəɹi kɑːd sɪstəm | hedmɑːstə sɪts dɑʊn mɪd lekt͡ʃəɹ ən(d) pɪks ʌp wʌn əv ðə laɪbɹəɹi kɑːdz pɜːkɪnz | weɪt | aɪm sɒɹi | ju biːt maɪ sʌn tə deθ | Compiled: Martín Martínez Barragán _ Checked : Juan C David hedmɑːstə | jes jes | səʊ ɪt wʊd siːm | pliːz | aɪm nɒt juːs tə bi:ɪŋ ɪntəɹʌptɪd | ju siː ðə laɪbɹəɹi kɑːd sɪstəm wəz ɪntɹədjuːst | pɜːkɪnz | wel ɪgzæktli wɒt hæpənd | hedmɑːstə | wel əpeəɹəntli | ðə bɔɪz wə slɪpɪŋ ɪntə ðə laɪbɹəɹi ən(d) teɪkɪŋ ðə bʊks | pɜːkɪnz | nəʊ | djʊəɹɪŋ ðə biːtɪŋ | hedmɑːstə | əʊ ðæt | wel wʌn məʊmənt hi wəz bendɪŋ əʊvə | ðə nekst hi wəz laɪɪŋ dɑʊn | pɜːkɪnz | ded | hedmɑːstə | ʌm | dedɪʃ | mɪstə pɜːkɪnz | aɪ faɪn(d) ðɪs mɔːbɪd fæsəneɪʃn̩ əv jɔ:z wɪð jɔː sʌnz deθ kwaɪt dɪstɜːbɪŋ | stæn(d)z ʌp ən(d) pʊts dɑʊn ðə kɑːd wɔːkɪŋ bæk əɹɑʊn(d) bəhaɪn(d) mɪstə pɜːkɪnz | hedmɑːstə | wɒt aɪm tɔːkɪŋ əbɑʊt | ɪz hɪz ætətjuːd | ən(d) kwaɪt fɹæŋkli | aɪ kæn siː weə hi gets ɪt frɒm | pɜːkɪnz | wel dɪd ju hæf tə biːt (h)ɪm tə deθ | hedmɑːstə | wel ɪt wəz pɜːfək(t)li ɒbviəs tə mi: frəm ðə fɜːs(t) deɪ hɪəɹ aɪ fɪə | aɪ wʌndəd ðen | əz aɪ wʌndə nɑʊ | ɪf hi hædn(t) tɜːnd ɑʊt ə veri dɪfɹənt bɔɪ ɪndiːd | ɪf ju həd ədmɪnɪstəd ə fjuː feɪtl̩ biːtɪŋz ɜːli ɒn | pɜːkɪnz ɹɪmuːvz (h)ɪz glɑːsɪz ən(d) stæn(d)z ʌp | lʊkɪŋ əz ɪf (h)i ɪz əbɑʊt tə get mediiːvl̩ ɒn ðə hedmɑːstə | pɜːkɪnz | ə ju mæd | hedmɑːstə | aɪm fjʊəɹiəs | ɪn ɔːdə tu əkɒmədeɪt ðə fjuːnəɹəl | aɪv hæd tə kænsl̩ ɑːftənuːn skuːl ɒn wenzdeɪ | ə bel ɹɪŋz ən(d) ðə hedmɑːstə muːvz tə ðə dɔː | pɜːkɪnz | ðɪs ɪz pɹəpɒstəɹəs | hedmɑːstə | jes ɪt ɪz | ɔːɹ ət liːst ɪt wʊd bi: | ɪf ɪt wə tɹuː | pɜːkɪnz | wɒt | hedmɑːstə | aɪv biːn d͡ʒəʊkɪŋ mɪstə pɜːkɪnz | pɑːdn̩ mi: | ɪts maɪ stɹeɪnd͡ʒ ækədemɪk sens əv hjuːmə | aɪv biːn pʊlɪŋ jɔː leg | mɪstə pɜːkɪnz | θæŋk gɒd | saɪz wɪð rɪliːf | hedmɑːstə | aɪ wʊdn(t) kænsl̩ ɑːftənuːn skuːl | tə beɹi ðæt lɪtl̩ ʃɪt | Compiled: Martín Martínez Barragán _ Checked : Juan C David