Fast Monologue A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie Stephen, in huge close-up, monologises at really quite ripsnortingly immense speed Stephen When I was seventeen I had already tried fourteen different jobs, married twice, fathered many many many children, eaten a perfectly enormous quantity of food over a long time period, been weaned off six types of class A dangerous drugs, given up smoking, taken it up again, given it up again, taken it up again, given taking it up and taken giving it up again and again and again By the time I was twenty, alcohol had never passed my lips, yet I was a reckless and predatory alcoholic: my life was in pieces, my marriages were shattered, my children lay in ruins, I was paying alimony along the sinuses, behind the dark interior passages of the skull and through the nose But at thirty, at thirty came that chance, to redeem a bin-liner of broken promises If I didn't take that chance what would I be? What would I become? Just another friendless acid spot on the back buttock of a weeping society So I took it, took the chance, picked up the ball and ran, went for it, threw caution to the teeth of the gale, never look back, just keep running, I did it Forget the past, there's nothing there, not even memories, just a road you never travelled unwinding backwards to a place you never came from Hugh enters behind Stephen, looking worried where fruit grows on trees you never climbed, in an orchard where you lost your virginity to a boy called Timothy who died of Horlicks poisoning before you were born No answers there Hugh Stephen? Stephen Yes? Hugh Why don´t you lie down Stephen OK (284 w) ˈ | ɪ hju dʒ ˈkləʊs ʌp | mɒnələgaɪzɪz ə ˈrɪəli kwaɪt rɪpsnɔ:tɪŋl ɪˈme p d| z  ˈ | wen aɪ wəz ˌsevnˈt aɪ əd ɔ ˈedi taɪdb fɔ t  ˈdɪfən (t) dʒɒbz | ˈmæɪd taɪ | ˈfɑ ðədb ˈme ˈme ˈme ˈ ʃɪdə | ˈ  ə ˈpɜ fɪ(k)tli ɪˈnɔ məs ˈkɒnt ɪt i əv fu dz ˈəʊvə ə ˈlɒŋ ˈ aɪm ˈpɪəiəd | b mw d ɒf sɪ(k)s taɪps əv kɑ eɪ ˈdeɪ dʒəəs dʌɡz | ɡɪ ʌp ˈ məʊk ɪŋ | ˈ eɪk ən ɪt ʌp əˈɡe | ɡɪ ɪ ʌp əˈɡe | ˈ eɪkə ɪ ʌp əˈɡe | ɡɪ ˈ eɪkɪŋ ɪ ʌp ə (d) ˈ eɪkə ˈɡɪ ɪŋ ɪ ʌp əˈɡe ə d əˈɡe ə d əˈɡe | baɪ ðə ˈtaɪm ˈaɪ wəz ˈ we | ˈælkəhɒl həd ˈ e ə pɑ maɪ lɪp | je ˈaɪ wəz ə ˈrekləs ə (d) ˈpredə r ˌælkəˈhɒlɪk | maɪ laɪf wəz ɪ ˈp ɪz | maɪ ˈmærɪdʒɪz wə ˈʃætəd | maɪ ˈtʃɪldrən le(ɪ) ɪ ˈru ɪnz | aɪ wəz ˈpeɪɪŋ ˈælɪməni əˈlɒŋ ðə ˈsaɪnəsɪz | bɪˈhaɪnd ðə dɑ k ɪ ˈ ɪər ə ˈpæsɪdʒɪz əv ðə skʌl ən(d) θru ðə nəʊz | bət ə ˈθɜ | ə ˈθɜ keɪm ðət tʃɑ | ə rɪˈd m ə bɪnlaɪnər ə ˈbrəʊkə ˈprɒmɪsɪz | ɪf aɪ ˈdɪdnt teɪk ðæt tʃɑ wɒt wʊd aɪ bi:| wɒt wʊd aɪ bɪˈkʌm | dʒəst əˈnʌðə ˈfrendləs ˈæsɪd spɒt ɒn ðə ˈbæk ˈbʌtək əv ə ˈw pɪŋ əˈsa(ɪ)əti | səʊ aɪ tʊk ɪt | tʊk ðə tʃɑ | pɪkt ʌp ðə bɔ l ən(d) ræ | ˈwe fər ɪt | θru ˈkɔ ʃ ə ðə θ əv ðə ɡeɪl | ˈ e ə lʊk ˈbæk | dʒəs(t) k p ˈrʌnɪŋ | aɪ dɪd ɪt | fəˈɡe ðə pɑ | ðeəz ˈ ʌθɪŋ ðeə | nɒ ˈ ˈmemərɪz | dʒəst ə rəʊd ju ˈ e ə ˈ ræ ld ˌʌ ˈwaɪndɪŋ ˈbækwədz tu ə ˈpleɪ ju ˈ e ə keɪm frɒm | hju ˈe əz bɪˈhaɪn(d) ˈ ˈlʊkɪŋ ˈwʌrɪd | weə fru ɡrəʊz ɒ r z ju ˈnevə klaɪmd | ɪn ə ˈɔ ʃəd weə ju lɒst jɔ: vəˈdʒɪnɪti tu ə ˌbɔɪ kɔ ld ˈ ɪməθ hu daɪd əv hɔ:lɪk ˈpɔɪz ɪŋ bɪˈfɔ ju wə bɔ | əʊ ˈɑ əz ðeə | hju ˈ | ˈ je | hju waɪ dəʊnt ju laɪ daʊn | ˈ ˌəʊˈkeɪ |