MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY 76 The Meaning of Your Communication is the Response you Get! Keep Changing your Communication until you get the Desired Response! We must understand that different people perceive the world differently. Everybody has different internal filters. When you tell a joke, a group of people may laugh while another group does not think it is funny at all. It is not that the second group does not have a sense of humour. It is just that they perceive humour differently. As a great communicator, we must take responsibility for it and change our communication (joke) until we get them to laugh. So, taking responsibility and having extreme flexibility is the key to being a master of influence. Words, Tonality & Body Language The other thing you must understand is that our communication consists of three major elements. The words we use, our tone of voice and our body language. According to research, the total impact of our communication consists of words (7%), tone of voice (38%) and body language (55%). Body language is made up of our facial expression, gestures, posture, breathing pattern, eye movement and muscle tension. Although what we say is extremely important, it is the least impactful when compared to how we say it (tone of voice and our body language). Test this out (not for real, but in front of a mirror). You can tell a client how great and exciting your company is but if your tone of voice is dull, your face expressionless and your body is sagging with fatigue, they won’t buy what you are saying. I once had a teacher ask me in the most boring tone of voice and with a deadpan face, ‘I wonder why I can never motivate my Communication tonality 38% body language 55% words 7% + + = 77 THE KEY TO ABSOLUTE POWER students no matter what I say?’ ‘I felt like telling him to listen to his own voice and go look at his face in the mirror. But I just couldn’t be so direct as to be rude. The point is that when we communicate, we must pay attention to not only our words, but more importantly to our tone of voice and our body language. Very often when our children don’t get motivated despite what we say, or when our clients don’t buy what we sell, it could be because our non-verbal communication is sabotaging us. There are No Resistant Students, Only Inflexible Teachers In my training seminars, I get a good number of teachers and lecturers who come wanting to learn to become more powerful communicators. I usually tell them to adopt this belief: ‘There are no resistant students, only inflexible teachers.’ Initially, a few will get offended. But they eventually realize that by following this principle, it puts the responsibility back on them and gets results. Why? Because with responsibility comes the power to do whatever it takes to build rapport with the students, until they listen. Once there was a teacher who asked me what to do with all the attention deficit children in her class. I replied saying, ‘Attention deficit is an excuse given by boring teachers.’ I almost got thrown out of the room for that one! But the point I later made was that in the classes that I conduct in schools, every student, even those that had been labeled attention deficit were extremely focused, attentive and participative. The reason? Because I conducted my lessons with lots of fun and excitement! I kept modifying my teaching style until I got the response I wanted, attentive learning! When we label people ‘attention deficit’ or ‘stupid’, it gives us an easy way out. Remember how I used the Ultimate Success Formula to turn the Patterns of Excellence program from its initial flop to filling up every seat? Yes, it was all about taking responsibility for my communication. When I first conducted the preview, I did my very best to convince the audience that the program would be a MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY 78 great investment and that it could change their life. As you know, only one person signed up. There and then I had a choice. I could have chosen to blame all of them for being stupid people who did not care about their future. Instead I chose to accept that my communication was not effective. It could have been my choice of words, the tone of my voice (like too slick?), or my body language was not right. By taking responsibility, I had the power to change my communication until I got the response I wanted: that it was for them to realize how great the program was, and to sign up. I then restructured my presentation to sell to them in a way that they wanted to be sold! You Always Have a Choice! Some people always ask, ‘But what If it is really not my fault? What if the situation is totally out of my hands?’ Well, I believe that we always play a role in creating whatever is happening to us, whether consciously or subconsciously. We create our experiences either through our thoughts or our actions. You can say something emphatically, but if you are thinking something else, people can pick up the vibes that show up in your body language. People who are in control of their lives believe that they create their world. If everything is going great, then they created it, not anybody else. If things are not going well, then they created it as well. Some people tell me that they never get a good break. They never get lucky enough to land a great opportunity. They are never at the right place at the right time. Again, I believe that you create your own luck. Or I prefer the word opportunity or break. If you never find any good opportunities, it could be because of your limiting beliefs and thoughts. If you keep believing that there are no opportunities around, your mind will tend to delete all the great opportunities, even if they are there right before you. You see what you want to see. At the same time, if you keep thinking negative thoughts, you will, like a magnet, keep attracting everything that is negative to you! 79 THE KEY TO ABSOLUTE POWER So choose to create positive thoughts and empowering beliefs, and the world around you will change! Once at a seminar, a woman who had an ongoing abusive relationship with her husband asked, ‘Are you saying that I asked to be beaten up?’ I replied, ‘No. I am not saying that. I am saying that you have a choice to stay or to go. To put up with the abuse or to stand up for yourself. You have to take responsibility for the fact that you are choosing to stay on and allow the abuse to continue.’ So stop blaming and playing the role of victim. You can choose to stand up for yourself, choose to leave or choose to stay. You can choose to feel bad about yourself or choose to learn a lesson from this and feel empowered. The moment she believed that she had all these choices, she started to feel a sense of confidence and power she had never felt before. In the end, she chose to give him an ultimatum, and then she left him. Five years on, she is happy in a new marriage, with three wonderful children. And she is also the owner of a successful business. ‘If not for that experience, I never would have discovered the courage and power within myself to achieve all that I have now’, she says. Margaret, a professional make up artist in her thirties had a history of bad relationships. Every time she met a new guy, things would be great for the first few months or so. Then, they would start to borrow money from her, play around and finally break her heart. For some reason, Margaret attracted these types of men, over and over again. She really envied her friends who had decent boyfriends, and enjoyed stable relationships. She, like most people, attributed it to her bad luck of falling for the wrong guy. When she was asked how she could have chosen to create and repeat this problem, she realized that she has been subconsciously attracting these types of men. Through a number of therapy sessions, she found out that she was unconsciously modeling herself after her long-suffering mum and attracting men just like her dad, who was just like the men in her life. She also discovered that the way she dressed and acted and the places she hung around in, attracted the ‘irresponsible guy’. The moment she took responsibility for creating the problem, she had the power to choose to decide and behave differently. Within a few months, she found a wonderful guy who eventually settled down with her. MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY For Things to Change, I Must Change First If there is one single most important message I want to give you in this chapter, it is this: ‘For things to change, we must first change ourselves.’ When we take responsibility for what we get and change ourselves, everything and everybody else will change with us! One time the managing director and owner of a chain of boutiques attended my training program. He complained that all his staff were unmotivated, uncommitted and incompetent. He also complained that he kept getting clients who were prone to bargaining and had little purchasing power. ‘For some reason, the staff that we get are always lazy and useless, we never get the hardworking, ambitious type’. I sat down with the man and asked him to list down the attributes of his ideal staff. He took about five minutes and came up with an incredible list of the perfect staff. The person had to be highly motivated, responsible, have good work experience, strong track record, passionate… the list went on. I took a look at the list and a look at the MD and asked, ‘Would this ideal employee want to work for you?’ Initially he was taken aback by my comment, but pretty soon, he was getting my point. I went on to say, ‘If you want to attract the best employees, you have to be the best company (in your field).’ ‘If you want to attract the perfect staff, you have to be the perfect boss.’ For things to change, he had to change first. He caught on. Over the next six months, he asked himself, ‘How do I make this company the best place to work for, such that the best and brightest will want to join me?’ He started to put in a rigorous recruitment selection scheme, an exciting profit sharing plan, new classy uniforms, a re- branding campaign for the company and created an honest and open communication culture. And he also started giving more autonomy to staff in decision making. Sure enough, many of the old, unmotivated staff started leaving because they could not take the pressure of the new weekly feedback sessions and the performance-based pay scheme. But then young, energetic and motivated people started coming in and the whole business turned around. At the same time the 80 81 THE KEY TO ABSOLUTE POWER new image created by the company’s re-branding campaign, its new culture and bright new and knowledgeable staff started attracting higher spending customers who didn’t haggle. Does this only apply to business? Of course not! This applies to virtually anything in your life. I once met a woman who could not find the right partner and she had been looking for the last 20 years. She was in her late 30s and getting concerned she would never find her ideal guy. When I asked her what she was looking for, she started describing this perfect man who had to be rich, handsome, humorous, sensitive and charming. Again I asked her very bluntly, ‘Would this man with all these traits want to marry you?’ ‘Would this ideal guy be attracted to someone like you?’ If you want to attract the perfect man, you must first be that perfect woman to attract him! There was a mother who complained to me that her son was not motivated at all to learn Mandarin. He kept giving the excuse that Mandarin was really difficult and that he did not need to learn it. She kept trying to convince him that if he put his mind to it, he could do it. She also kept trying to make him see that Mandarin was an important language to learn. ‘I’ve tried everything. He just won’t listen and change his mindset about learning Mandarin.’ I asked the mum, ‘Do you speak Mandarin at home?’ ‘No, my husband and I can’t speak the language as we were both from English speaking backgrounds,’ was her slightly surprised reply. I then asked, ‘Have you thought of learning the language yourself and speaking at home so your child will have more exposure?’ ‘Oh, it’s just too difficult to learn. Anyway, we don’t have to use it’, was her reply. She had given the reason why her son was so resistant to learning Mandarin. I explained to her that although she was verbally telling her son that Mandarin was easy and important, her actions communicated the total opposite, and she was responsible for him not being motivated at all. Fortunately, I convinced her. When she decided to put in the effort to learn together with her son and use the language at home, her son started to get motivated as well. MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY 82 So… If you want to attract the best staff, be the best boss If you want to have the best kids, be the best parent If you want the perfect wife, then be that perfect husband If you want the highest income, add the greatest value If you want to attract the best customers, become the best company Use ‘I Choose’ Often The words we use daily are a reflection of how we frame experiences in our mind. When you start to use the word ‘I choose’ often, you start to perceive your experiences with more control than you ever thought possible. Instead of saying… Say… I am depressed I choose to feel depressed They don’t understand me I choose to communicate in way that makes them not understand me Company sales are down I choose to allow company sales to be down The staff are not motivated I choose to allow the staff to be unmotivated I keep getting lousy results I choose to get lousy results They take advantage of me I choose to allow them to take advantage I have poor health I choose to have poor health 83 THE KEY TO ABSOLUTE POWER Although it may seem difficult at times to say that you choose to create something, especially when it is negative, you immediately put yourself in the position of being the cause. And therefore the agent of change. Yes, by exercising the choice of creating something, you have the power to choose to change it. When you say ‘I am depressed’, it implies that you are depressed by something and there is nothing you can do about it. When you say ‘I choose to feel depressed’, you acknowledge that you are creating your state of depression. You are allowing something or someone to cause you to create that state. See the difference? Now, just by changing your physiology and your internal representation, you can change how you feel in a moment! That’s awesome power within your grasp. I realize that by saying ‘I choose to allow the staff to be unmotivated’ or ‘I choose to allow the company sales to be down’, it may sound as though you do not care and are happy it is happening. Remember that this not at all the intention. So you may not want to communicate ‘I choose’ statements to others. It may make you seem like a real a**h***. ‘I choose’ statements are purely how you would communicate to yourself internally. We explore the power of our beliefs in the next chapter. Chapter Summary 1 Taking absolute responsibility gives us the power to change our circumstances. 2 When we give excuses, blame others or complain, we take the power out of our own hands. We play the role of victim. 3 Many people play the victim game because of the perceived payoffs. In the long term, it costs us a lot more. 4 We must take responsibility for our results, how we feel and the way we communicate. 5 The meaning of your communication is the response you get, regardless of your intention. Keep changing your communication until you get the desired response. 6 We communicate through our words (7%), tone of voice (38%) and our body language (55%). 7 For things to change, we must change first 8 Use the word ‘I choose’ in your everyday communication. THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF BELIEFS 5 Beliefs can make ordinary people do awesome, extraordinary things but holding on to limiting Beliefs can also cripple the most talented W hy is it that some people are able to achieve so much more out of their lives than others? Why are some people able to produce such outstanding, even extraordinary results… far exceeding what is commonly expected? Is it because they have a lot more talent, acumen, capability? Do they have superior resources that other people lack? You and I both know by now that this is not true at all. Did the Wright brothers, inventors of the airplane, have more aerodynamic and engineering expertise than all the engineers and inventors of their time? No. They were simple bicycle repairmen. [...]... images in your mind Alternatively, you could get someone to read it for you as you go through this visualization exercise Are you ready? I want to you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in your kitchen in front of your refrigerator In your mind s eye, see yourself opening the door of the refrigerator Inside you see a big, yellow sour lemon Imagine yourself reaching out and holding the lemon in your. .. long years behind bars 99 100 MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY Before Reaching Your Outcome, First See the Reaching in Your Mind Do want to experience another demonstration of how you can visualize yourself to break through supposed physical limitations? What I want you to do is to stand up and place your feet shoulder-width apart Throughout this experiment, you must keep your feet firmly planted on... up your waist muscles Swing your body gently from side to side Great! Are you ready? Now, point your finger forward and turn your body clockwise as far as your body will allow you to turn Once you reach the maximum point, remember the spot you have reached and turn back to neutral position Next, I want you to close your eyes and visualize yourself turning your body clockwise and seeing in your mind s... magic, comes true Your Beliefs Can Even Affect Your Bio Chemistry So far we have talked about how our beliefs affect our perceptions, decisions and hence our actions However, your beliefs are so powerful that they can literally affect your biochemistry Yes, your beliefs can affect the state of your energy levels and your physical wellbeing Have you heard of the placebo effect? In the 1950s, doctors wanted... personal beliefs 1 03 104 MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY Have you ever experienced a time when your parents believed you were irresponsible You could do a hundred things responsibly, but they only remember the couple of times when you were irresponsible ‘Aha you’re doing it again!’ they say We do the same things to our friends, family members and our colleagues Once we make up our minds that a particular... bring the lemon to your kitchen table and with a sharp knife slice off a piece See the lemon juice oozing out all over Now, take the piece of sour lemon and pop it into your mouth and chew on it, feel the sour sensation on your tongue and around your mouth, and your nostrils puckering as the tangy scent is released Now open your eyes Let me ask you this question Do you have more saliva in your mouth? Did... holistic and natural approach to cancer also utilizes yoga and/or qi gong, both of which use breath control and meditation (mind control) to heal and boost the immune system And last but not least, an organic vegetarian diet 95 96 MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY The Human Mind Cannot Tell the Difference Between a Real and a Vividly Imagined Experience One of the techniques that Morris Goodman and... became a millionaire at the age of 23 I read about Steve Jobs who started Apple Computers at 18 At the same time, my journalist mum started getting interested in the fledging ‘Human Potential Movement’ As a result, she brought me to seminars by motivational speakers like Dennis Waitley I was probably the only schoolboy in that seminar! 89 90 MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY My grandfather also bought...86 MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY Did Mahatma Gandhi come from a powerful family that enabled him to establish a power base to liberate India from the British? No He was just an ordinary man, a lawyer And using the law taught to him by his colonial masters certainly wouldn’t have freed India Instead, gentle Gandhi used the... lack of capability, but their beliefs Your Beliefs Are Never Absolutely True! If our beliefs have such a great impact on the quality of our lives and even our physical well being, then we must begin to examine if the beliefs we have are empowering us or limiting us And if our beliefs are limiting us, we must begin to change them! 101 102 MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY At this time, many people would . MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY 76 The Meaning of Your Communication is the Response you Get! Keep Changing your Communication until you get the Desired. preview, I did my very best to convince the audience that the program would be a MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY 78 great investment and that it could change their life. As you know, only. Within a few months, she found a wonderful guy who eventually settled down with her. MASTER YOUR MIND DESIGN YOUR DESTINY For Things to Change, I Must Change First If there is one single most important