Men Aren’t Stupid and Nine Other Free Lessons That Will Change Your Life Roslyn Hardy Holcomb roslynhardyholcomb.com Men Aren’t Stupid and Nine Other Free Lessons That Will Change Your Life Copyright July 2012 Roslyn Hardy Holcomb Published by Roslyn Hardy Holcomb at Smashwords All rights reserved This copy is intended for the original purchaser of this e-book only No part of this e-book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without prior written permission from Roslyn Hardy Holcomb Cover Artist: Whit Holcomb This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author Introduction This book came about because I’ve been online in various forums since the midnineties and have in that time become something of an advice guru Though I’ve been a counselor, therapist and social worker a lot of the advice that I give here I learned from my late mother, Edith Smith Hardy Other lessons I learned through my life experience and that of my friends and family Of course, if I’d listened to my mother I would have had a lot fewer hard knocks, but she always said a hard head makes for a soft behind Over the years of counseling women both online and in real life I began to see a pattern I was repeatedly being asked about the same issues in different iterations To avoid redundancy, and because I’m too lazy to keep typing the same advice over and over again, I put together these Free Lessons to address the problems I kept hearing about I’m deeply concerned about the quality of discourse between young men and women in this country There is a level of bitterness and anger that is troubling I suspect that much of it has come about due to social changes that we have little control over Intellectually we know that gender roles have changed, but our biological responses to the opposite sex have not People are more or less the same as they were five hundred years ago, or for that matter five thousand years ago Check out the Song of Songs in the Bible When Solomon starts talking about “your vines have sweet grapes” he’s spitting some serious game He’s doing the same thing men are doing today––trying to get some Though women are more independent and self-sufficient than we’ve been at any time in history our basic instincts haven’t changed I believe that a lot of the anger we’re seeing between the sexes these days has come about because we’re being told to act as though these instincts don’t exist Even worse, many intellectuals claim that there is no such thing as gender roles Well, I’m not an intellectual I’m a pragmatist and that notion seems downright foolish to me While I agree wholeheartedly that people should not be forced into certain behavioral patterns because of their gender, I cannot deny that there are differences between the sexes To my mind there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging and capitalizing on them There are those who will say that these behavioral patterns are sociological rather than biological My response is and? Regardless of the source of the courting rituals they’ve worked for humankind for a few thousand years Have they worked perfectly? Probably not, but the fact that we’re still here perpetuating the species indicates that it works better than the alternatives It is far better to use them to our advantage to gain what we all want a loving relationship This book will help you just that Free Lesson #1 Birds Do It Bees Do It Whilst watching Oprah a while back I came to the painful realization that an awful lot of people did not grow up as I did watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom every Sunday night Or, perhaps they did and didn’t comprehend its applicability to us that we too are animals and our habits and rituals are not all that different from our primate brethren On the Oprah show there was a rather obnoxious guy who nonetheless was spitting some serious knowledge about dating/mating (He really was insufferable, but as my mama used to say even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and then.) The women weren’t hearing him though He told them the basic truth that men are always “windowshopping” and that a woman who is looking for a man should always be attractively dressed and looking her best This is very reasonable advice, but Gail King, who really is old enough to know better said that if you dress superficially you’ll attract a superficial man She went on to ask, what happens later on in the relationship when you don’t always look good? Tsk, tsk, tsk Let me go all Marlin Perkins on y’all for a minute ALL MEN ARE SUPERFICIAL, PERIOD Now, before folk accuse me of male bashing let me explain We’ve been on this planet a couple hundred thousand years or so, but it’s only been in the past few thousand years that we call ourselves civilized For most of our time here we’ve had a very difficult existence Back in the day women stayed at home feeding the kids, while also trying to keep various godawful beasties from eating them Men would go out and try to kill some of those same beasties to feed their younguns Under those type circumstances you need a mate who is as healthy as possible After all, if the mother doesn’t survive childbirth the child will die as well And she also must be strong enough to protect your offspring while you’re gone What are the signs of health and youthfulness in a female? Shiny hair, clear smooth skin, bright eyes and teeth Round shapely buttocks and breasts and long legs are all indicators that a woman is of mating age These are the things that the male of the species is instinctively looking for in a mate And I’ve heard time and again that it’s not fair that men put so much stock in a woman’s physical appearance I agree, it isn’t fair, but what in life is? You can either put forth the effort or spend your Saturday nights alone picking lint out your navel Your call There are those who would counter with the notion that women aren’t shallow since we’re appreciative of what a man does as opposed to how he looks While that is true what exactly does this indicate? You guessed it, his ability to provide for and protect his offspring So, we’re quite superficial too; after all, we’re invested in perpetuating the species as well Let’s look at one thing that almost all women say they’re looking for: a good sense of humor What does humor indicate? Intellect Clearly a man can’t bring down a woolly mammoth with brute strength alone He has to be able to outsmart the beast A smart guy will always get the girl, because she knows he will literally bring home the bacon Even flirting itself is an indicator of intellect Many of us are quick to dismiss a guy who is not articulate, who has no “game.” We instinctively understand that this part of the courting ritual is designed to demonstrate intellectual acuity And let’s be real here, few of us are interested in a man who has no resources or at least the ability to acquire the same (Nor should we be.) Yes, most of us are independent and self-sufficient or on our way to being there However, we still instinctively gravitate toward men who are successful and accomplished We have the same species-preserving instincts that men And it’s not all about the intellectual with women either What about those broad shoulders and slim hips that look so “manly” to us? Both are signs of sexual maturity and most importantly, physical strength It’s not an issue of being shallow, these cues are instinctual and have kept us on the planet for a few hundred thousand years and with any luck will keep us here for at least a while longer We also need to understand the sometimes subtle cues that indicate a man’s interest In this we have to take a clue from the birds Certain breeds of penguins will bring pebbles to the female he’s interested in, as pebbles are used for building penguin nests Other birds will present sticks or twigs to its chosen light of love Human males much the same thing if you’re paying attention A guy will put forth an effort to demonstrate his ability to provide for his mate He might make reference to his earning potential, or take an opportunity to show you his skills in nest building Few men are as blatant as the gentleman who was pursuing my mother at one point He simply took out his checkbook to show her his bank balance I was impressed Unfortunately for him my mother wasn’t A girlfriend of mine casually mentioned that the guy who lived down the hall from her was so nice He had come over the previous evening to assemble an entertainment center and some bookcases for her Anytime she came home with a load of groceries he was always there to help bring them in I laughed and teased her about how hard he was pursuing her She just smiled and said that no, he was just being “nice.” She was stunned when he asked her out a few weeks later I wasn’t Yes, there are nice guys out there, but if a man is constantly helping you out, or going out of his way to things for you, there’s a very strong likelihood that he’s courting you Pay attention Understanding these instincts will also help those who are challenged in the flirting department as well Flirting serves two purposes; it draws attention to your best attributes and lets a man know you’re interested It all starts with eye contact You might recall the patented “Shy Di” look employed by the late Princess of Wales This look is designed to capture a male’s attention while looking shy and demure Few men can resist the allure of a woman who is not aggressive but clearly interested at the same time All this is part and parcel of chasing a man until you let him catch you Remember, men aren’t stupid They understand that you’re putting out lures, but they enjoy the fact that you’re putting forth an effort Men need those signals to initiate contact When you look up at a man through your lashes that way you will capture his attention, and once you have it, you must hold the look for at least twenty seconds (Count them off if you need to, and yes, twenty seconds is a very long time, but most eye-to-eye contact lasts ten seconds at the most Twenty seconds will make your interest clear.) If he breaks contact before time is up, look away also Then it again If he doesn’t maintain it this time, move on to the next guy, he’s not interested If he’s interested he’ll take the next step Once he notices you, be sure to preen yourself, that is touch your hair, or your face This sends a signal to the man that you’re making yourself attractive for him while drawing attention to your best attributes Once he’s initiated contact, laughing at his jokes and touching him casually cements the notion that you find him attractive and appreciate his humor and intelligence It also lets him know that he can make you happy and entertain you And please, don’t say you don’t want to play games This is much too serious to ever be a game It’s part of our instinctive behavior as primates When you try to shut it down or ignore then it’s you who is in fact playing games Resisting it does nothing but cut off your nose to spite your face and leaves you at home while savvier girls are snagging the prince Other women have commented on how “humiliating” flirting is That is they don’t like the idea of trying to draw a man’s attention so that he chooses her I really don’t understand their mindset In truth, the man isn’t choosing you, you’re choosing the man After all, you’re the one making the eye contact and other flirty moves Short of dragging you off by your hair a man can’t choose a woman against her will In fact all through history women have chosen their mate Even when men literally engaged in combat to win a wife, it was the woman who did the choosing That hasn’t changed one bit Also it’s imperative that you don’t let a man know he’s being pursued as it will trigger his flight response And no matter how many men tell you they like being approached by women, don’t believe them While it’s true they are flattered by a woman who makes the first move, it’s also true that the one who initiates contact becomes the “man” in the relationship Unless this is a role you prefer don’t it Case in point, the relationship between Bill and Hillary Clinton You might have heard the story about how they met in the Yale library Apparently they made eyes at one another for quite a while until finally she asked him if they were going to keep staring or was he going to ask her out I’ve always thought their initial meeting set up the way their relationship continued She was the top earner and always seemed to wear the pants in that marriage He retaliated by being continually unfaithful (Women earning more than their men is becoming increasingly common, and it can be a tricky area to navigate If you’re a high wage earner you have to be careful to choose a man who is comfortable with that There are some studies that indicate men who earn less than their wives are more likely to cheat.) Obviously I don’t know the Clintons personally and have never counseled them, but had I been with her in that library I would’ve warned her against speaking first So, while you’re out there on the hunt for a partner, don’t forget that deep down we still have our primate instincts Free Lesson #2 Choose An Honorable Man Not too long ago a reader asked me what she should be looking for in a mate I pondered her question for a long time It would seem that a lot of people are puzzled, and while I can understand that, it’s hard for me to tell someone what they should be looking for in a man This, above everything is a highly personal issue However, since I’ve been asked, I’ll tell you what I was looking for when I met my husband When we were going through pre-marital counseling the priest asked us to tell one another what our expectations were in a spouse I only had one; that he’d always be an honorable man whom I could respect I’ve been accused of, and plead guilty to using old-fashioned words like honor, cherish, and chivalry It’s a deliberate choice They’re very evocative words, bringing to mind old-fashioned notions of male and female interactions and I use them for that purpose Please note, that choosing a partner with traditional values doesn’t mean that you have to have a traditional relationship though that is my preference A couple is free to negotiate whatever type relationship they want to have Traditional values actually make a non-traditional relationship more viable, because you know he will keep his word and follow-through on whatever type relationship you negotiate I prefer a traditional relationship, but I know women who have chosen a different route and are quite comfortable maintaining it because their husbands are honorable men What I mean by honorable? In my mama’s words, “If he’s meant for you there won’t be no mess behind him.” This statement is profound in its simplicity An honorable man won’t have a bunch of drama, whether romantic or financial around him He takes care of his business in an honest, forthright manner So if the bill collectors, psycho exgirlfriends, etc… are hanging over him, you know he’s not the one I know this begs the question how can he control ex-girlfriends and such See, here’s the thing, psycho exgirlfriends are usually psycho for a reason I know that’s hard to accept, but it is what it is Most guys know from the beginning that a woman is not right in the head However, these women are usually easy to get into bed Guys will lay up with these women, get the goodies, then try to move on, and that’s when the craziness begins Honorable men don’t behave this way Sure, it’s always possible that he didn’t know she was crazy, but in my experience that is rare Honorable men avoid the crazy no matter how tempting it is Now, here’s the kicker, in order to have an honorable man, you have to be an honorable woman Remember, he’s not going to have any drama in his life That includes yours So you’ve got to clean out your closet as well Stalkerazi ex-boyfriends and financial monkey business is a red flag that sane men want no part of They’ll run like their drawers are on fire And keep in mind, honorable men are honest to a fault They what they say they’re going to do, period If he tells you he’ll call you at 7:00, he does exactly that With some men you have no idea if or when he’ll show up I once dated a guy who was so fly-by-night when he said 7:00 I had no idea if he meant a.m or p.m I had enough sense to let that go, but not until after I’d wasted far too much time on such nonsense That’s not a problem with honorable men You don’t have to worry about followthrough If my husband isn’t where he’s supposed to be I know to start checking hospitals and morgues He’ll be there, on time, or die trying That’s the kind of man I wanted I sat down and made a list, a very specific list of the characteristics I needed in a husband Too women make the mistake of saying, “I need a man” That’s way too general After all, the universe is busy it doesn’t have time to decipher what we mean so specificity is crucial You need a certain type of man, and you need to look inside yourself to decide what that is Being with an honorable man is not easy My husband can be persuaded, but he doesn’t push worth a damn If you ask him a question you’d best be prepared for the direct truth Yes, he will tell you that you could stand to lose a few pounds! Or that an outfit isn’t particularly flattering Are you ready for that type of man? Then by all means let the universe know! Happy Hunting Free Lesson #7 Reasons Don’t Matter I know this is a shocking statement to make, but bear with me It may take me a minute, but I’m confident I can convince you of the validity of this one On a friend’s blog I said I refused to date unwed fathers when I was single My reasons were more or less the standard ones: drama, money, time, etc I also stated that in my opinion, familyoriented men make families, not babies If a man got one woman pregnant and didn’t marry her, and given that I don’t possess a gold-plated vagina, the chances are pretty good that he will the same to me (We all know that people tend to repeat past behavior So, if dude has one baby mama, there’s a significantly higher likelihood that he’ll have no qualms about having two.) And, of course, this is where the excuses began Even guys who acknowledged that they were resistant to dating women with children felt they had to right to castigate me for my position Of course, they had to point out that dude might have a very good reason for not having married the woman And why was I assuming that he abandoned her? Okay, assume that she abandoned him And? The fact still remained that he chose to have unprotected sex with a woman he wouldn’t marry or who wouldn't marry him Doesn't sound like a family-oriented man to me I got even more blowback when I stated that I preferred to date men who came from intact homes with both a mother and a father I prefer traditional relationships, and it’s been my experience that men who’ve grown up without a father require far more training than I’m prepared to give Several women asked why I would penalize a man for not having a father After all, that wasn’t his fault Well, it’s not my fault either My priority is me and what is best for my offspring Yes, it’s sad and unfortunate that he doesn’t know how to maintain a relationship because he’s never seen one And I understand that this deficit is caused by not having a father, but what does that change? Bottom line is, he can’t it, and it’s not my job to teach him how After several attempts at doing so I’m fairly certain it can’t be done, but even if it could be there are far too many great guys out there who know how to have a relationship for me to waste my time with one who doesn’t See, here’s the thing, people will always have reasons, sometimes even good reasons for why they things Slick Willie Sutton said he robbed banks because that was where the money was Sounds like a perfectly valid reason, but I wouldn’t recommend taking up bank robbery, either Many women wind up in relationships with sub-standard men because they listen to him reason away past (and present) bad behavior A while ago I was talking to a young lady who’d met a guy she was interested in a couple of weeks prior to our conversation She was concerned because she’d gone by his place and he didn’t have any food and seemed very depressed (Mistake #1 going to the home of a man she barely knew.) She took this as a cue that she should go to the store, buy groceries and then cook him a meal (Mistake #2 playing wifey for a dude who’s never so much as bought her a cup of coffee or opened a door for her.) During the meal he explained that he’d lost his job due to depression and that’s why he didn’t have any food I, of, course told her to run like the wind and don’t look back Her friends thought she should stand by her man That left me scratching my head When did this guy become her man? Your man is someone you have a shared history and preferably a mortgage with She’d only known this guy for a couple of weeks You stand by someone you’ve already made an investment in, and more importantly, who has made an investment in you Sure, he had a perfectly good reason as to why he was all broke down, but my question is, what did that have to with her? Of course she didn’t listen to me and was thrilled when he wanted them to move in together What man wouldn’t want to move in with a woman who is prepared to take care of him even though he’s made no investment in the relationship? I don’t have to tell you that a few months later she was back wondering why he was still sitting on the sofa playing X-Box while she worked and went to school every day Really? She’d handed herself to him lock, stock and barrel with absolutely no effort on his part Why on earth did she think he’d ever otherwise? Listening to reasons can totally derail you from your best interests The fact of the matter remains the reasons are unimportant The question you have to ask is what impact does this behavior have on you? It doesn’t matter why old boy has a baby mama who belongs in a psych ward Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has a crazy woman on his six? Fine, he has messed up credit because his mama/cousin/brother/sister forged his name Are you willing to accept living in a broke down trailer or some bombed out neighborhood because of his abysmal FICO score? Yes, reasons are lovely Especially when you’re being wooed by someone who looks good and can pitch that woo while he’s explaining all the “reasons.” God forbid you’ve already gotten naked with him Your down below can be a treacherous bitch But remember, this is your life, not a dress rehearsal And trust me, when his headcase of an ex-girlfriend shows up on your doorstep at two in the morning with an ax handle and a jar of denture cream those reasons won’t be there to protect you from the wrath of the crazy Free Lesson #8 Getting Over an Ex We’ve all been there The relationship ends and we’re left with heartache and pain trying to get him back Trying to figure out what went wrong Crying and eating too much ice cream The simple fact of the matter is most relationships end for a perfectly good reason and backtracking is usually a bad idea Having said that you need a blueprint for getting past this Preferably a blueprint that doesn’t involve crawling into a hole and staying there with Mssrs Ben and Jerry until you gain fifty pounds Follow these guidelines and I promise you will be over this guy within two months flat Step 1: END ALL CONTACT As long as you continue talking to dude, you’re going to remain in love with him It’s a biological thing, hearing his voice, seeing him, even smelling him is going to drive those love hormones crazy and keep you tied to him Loss is one of our greatest fears and we’ll anything to avoid it We’ll even selfdestructive things like chase men who don’t want us There’s only one solution: Cut him off Completely No phones No email No text messaging No carrier pigeons No smoke signals No driving by his place No running into him “accidentally” at church No “just checking” his Facebook page or tweeting him to let him know ice cream’s on sale at Kroger No electronic contact of any kind, no matter what new technology they come up with to ruin women’s lives Cut him off completely Women are notoriously fickle (Praise be to God!) and it won’t be long before you’ll barely remember what he looks like No, don’t send him a last call or email to tell him you’re breaking contact Men are instinctive hunters and that’ll just make start chasing you See, he’ll give you just enough crumbs to keep you interested It’s a colossal boost to his ego He’ll tell you he still loves you, but he’s still “dealing with this other woman,” or you “want to move too fast,” or you “want too much.” Blah, blah, blah Free bonus lesson ladies; I don’t care how much nonsense a man slings he is absolutely, categorically with the woman he wants to be with and he’ll whatever is required to be with her Men are far too self-absorbed to stay in a relationship with someone they don’t want Dude doesn’t want to be with you What he wants is to keep you interested To paraphrase Chris Rock, you’re his back-up pussy And while you’re all caught up in him there’s no room in your heart for anybody else Run Run like the wind, and don’t look back!!!! Otherwise you will turn into a pillar of salt, or at least wish you had Step 2: Now, once you’ve absolutely categorically not had any contact with him for eight weeks, (And trust me, dude will hunt you down like a heat-seeking missile when you follow through on Step 1) start dating again And when I say dating, I mean casual dating, IN VOLUME Your weekends (and some weeknights) should be totally full These should preferably be men you’re not interested in You’re going to get back in the practice of dating just for the fun of it No sex (if you indulge) Just lots of fun with as many men as you can muster This will boost your self-confidence so you’re not tempted to get caught up in some drama just to have somebody to pull cover with During this time it is absolutely crucial that you never leave the house looking other than your absolute best I know that sometimes when you’re depressed and lonely it’s just easier to throw on a pair of sweats and go, but think about what you’re doing You’re putting on an outer manifestation of your inner pain It’s self-defeating and lowers your confidence Remember, nothing but vultures are attracted to wounded animals Even worse, it’ll just make you feel bad about yourself Nope, always dress your best That is the hallmark of a well-loved woman Whether there’s a man in your life or not you’ll always love you, and you’ll dress and carry yourself in a manner that shows it As my mama would always say, “Nothing brings the woman out in you like a good lipstick.” No matter how bad you feel a lipstick or a new outfit is a good and inexpensive way to lift your spirits Step 3: After you’ve dated in volume for roughly six months, then, and only then are you ready to get serious about somebody else Don’t dare seriously date until you’ve got that man totally out of your heart and mind, and you have the self-confidence to recognize yourself for the magnificent human being that you are Every woman I know who has followed these steps to the letter has gotten over the old guy and moved on to the next guy One woman I know who’d languished over a man for five years He kept coming back to hit her up for sex, and she’d let him because she convinced herself she was so in love That’s not love Love makes you feel good, like the warm sun on a winter morning If interacting with someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s not love And what can make you feel worse than some guy using you as a semen depository? In actuality she was just lonely and desperate, and behaved accordingly When I yanked her out of that mindset of lack and showed her what she was doing, she was able to get that man out of her life (and bed) in short order It wasn’t easy He had grown accustomed to having her around anytime he needed to get a piece He even got angry and called to cuss me out when she blocked his phone At one point she even had to bunk with me for a few days because he was camped out at her apartment His behavior made his motives clear, and in less than six months she met the man she’d eventually marry Five years is a long time to languish in that type of limbo, but I know at least one woman who did it for ten years, only to be abandoned when the man she’d waited for married someone else Remember ladies; men love a woman who is well loved They won’t love you or respect you unless you love yourself So your first order of business is to make sure that you are well loved, and don’t you dare ever love a man more than you love yourself Free Lesson #9 Don’t Be “Friends” With A Man Note, “friends” is in quotes for a reason I know this is a controversial concept, and I know there are plenty of women who’ve managed to maintain friendships with men over the years It’s my belief that this is only possible if the interest was platonic on both sides from the very beginning And it’s very difficult to assess not only your feelings but his as well Almost every guy I know who has been friends with a woman at the very least harbored a fantasy about getting her naked someday So at best this is a minefield that must be navigated most cautiously Even if you manage to have platonic male friends, I strongly advise against doing so with someone you were once romantically involved with This is one of the first lessons I learned back in my salad days A guy I’d been dating told me he wanted to “just be friends.” I agreed After all, a girl can never have too many friends Now why was it not a week later he was all up in the club trying to “take me home?” Uh, I don’t think so bruh My friends don’t get to see me naked This issue comes up from time to time, and frankly I thought everyone knew better, but apparently not See, there’s a segment of the male population (selfish jerks, definitely NOT righteous men) who would like to have uncommitted sex They realize, however, if they simply tell most women what they want it’s so not going to happen Instead, they employ euphemisms, like “let’s be friends,” or “friends with benefits.” Benefiting whom? You get to lay up at my house, watch my cable, eat my food, and get the nookie I can’t even count on you to take me to a dollar movie and exchanging Christmas presents is too “awkward.” After all, we’re not committed It’s perfectly okay to exchange bodily fluids, but anything in shiny wrapping paper is somehow too intimate Would you tolerate this from a girlfriend? Of course not So why put up with it from some dude? Remember, Men Aren’t Stupid They understand perfectly well that most women want a committed relationship, and while we’re going along with being “friends” we’re really hoping for something more Since time immemorial men have been trying to eat their cake and have it too Only a fool puts buttercream frosting on it for them Remember, men know that women are naturally competitive So, they’ll say, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Interestingly enough, they always manage to add the tagline, “Right now.” Any woman worth her Cinderella slippers will hear an invitation there to change his mind We’ll tell ourselves that he just needs to meet a “good woman.” Somehow being a “good woman” always involves uncommitted sex, food, laundry service and even the use of your car and credit card Don’t fall for the okey-doke He does not now, and never will want a relationship with you, especially when he sees how easily he can make a fool of you Remember men are territorial He’ll always have the thought in the back of his mind that if you’re that easy for him, you were probably just as easy for every other guy Not a good look So no, he won’t be interested in marrying you, but he’ll be more than happy to use you as a sperm depository If you could love a man into loving you back there wouldn’t be so many heartbreak songs out there It cannot be done In addition, I don’t care if your name is Sunshine you cannot sex a man into loving you All you can is degrade and debase yourself until your self-esteem is so low that you couldn’t attract a decent man if you tried Don’t go out like that You don’t have jack to prove to anybody You’re a fabulous human being and you deserve a man who recognizes that from the jumpstreet A man who really wants you isn’t interested in playing games And he certainly won’t be talking any nonsense about “give it some time,” or “women want to move too fast.” He won’t be trying to make you his jump-off with euphemisms about a so-called friendship He’ll be moving so fast you’ll have whiplash Trust me on this one Some men will say they want to “take things slow” and “get to know you” and “start out friends.” Hey, nothing wrong with that, in fact I strongly recommend it Yet somehow they only want to slow down things like commitment and exclusivity They have no problem with hitting skin as quickly and as often as possible The exclusivity conversation must occur before any body fluids are exchanged Remember, your own biology is working against you and Smoke Gets in Your Eyes Once you’ve gotten horizontal it’s too hard to backtrack Your emotions and your pride are involved So you lie to yourself and “assume” you’re monogamous because you’re too embarrassed to ask after the fact Men count on this And again they can honestly say, “I never told you we were exclusive.” Save yourself the grief Keep your clothes on until the terms of your relationship are spelled out By the way, don’t have this conversation when he has an erection Actually, I strongly recommend not having any conversation with a man who has an erection Dude will say all manner of things he doesn’t mean at that point That’s not how you want your commitment conversation to go My personal favorite is the guy who will break up with you, or say he doesn’t want to have a relationship, and then ask to remain friends This is probably the stealthiest male move of all As I’ve said repeatedly, women are fickle and we should daily be praising the saints that we are Back when my husband and I were dating, we broke up because he wasn’t sure about where he wanted the relationship to go I was cool with that Direct honesty is always welcome Then he asked if we could be friends My response? Nope I’ve got plenty of friends I need a man I cut off all contact and in very short order he was back If I hadn’t done that we would probably still be “friends.” I’ve told you before, men understand us far better than we understand them We want to believe they’re like us They know they’re not like us, and they exploit the fact whenever they’re given the opportunity They know that if we don’t have regular contact with them, we’re liable to forget their name with a quickness So, they try to this “friend” thing to keep us on the shelf while they go out and see if they can upgrade (Yep, they’re always looking to see if they can better Oh, you thought that only applied to cars and electronics? Not so much.) In other words, he’s putting you on ice while he’s checking out his options Falling in with this one is the worst thing you can He keeps you up on him, maybe even giving him a little bit from time to time, (Keep hope alive!) while he’s out trying to see if he can upgrade from a PC to a Mac Better yet, he can honestly say that he “told you I didn’t want a relationship.” All this is a major waste of your time When it’s over, it’s over Next! Check the Free Lesson on Getting Over an Ex Follow those guidelines and I guarantee you’ll be over him in eight weeks Fall for this “friends” nonsense and you’ll gain fifty pounds and be feeling like hell in a matter of months I know that loss is agonizingly painful and you’ll anything to avoid it Trust me, I’ve been there The only thing worse than losing a man is wasting your skinny years trying to hold on to one that wasn’t yours in the first place Free Lesson #10 Don’t Take Relationship Advice From Men I’ve always thought it was odd that so many men write relationship books for women Many of these men have been divorced multiple times Some never bothered to marry in the first place, or worse, cheated on every woman they’ve ever been with My mama always said that if you want to grow tomatoes, go to someone who has grown tomatoes With that in mind why would anyone accept relationship advice from someone who has never sustained a healthy one? Further, I’ve always wondered why they don’t direct their “advice” to men, but I think we know the answer to that question: Men don’t buy relationship books Why? Because men are going to what they're going to They’re not interested in catering their behavior to anyone else So, then we’re left wondering, why are women so eager to just that? Why are we so eager to take relationship advice from men? Several years ago some friends and I compiled a list of relationship advice we would give to other women As things often on the internet this advice eventually came back to us Unattributed, of course, and even worse, someone even claimed that it was “written by a man, so you know it’s good.” What kind of self-hating nonsense is that? I was enraged particularly because my now famous saying was in there: If a man wants you nothing can keep him away If he doesn’t nothing can make him stay.™ When this latest wave of relationship books written by men came out several women recommended them because they love getting relationship advice from men I suspect that the reason behind this is two-fold: Women have been socialized to distrust their own instincts, and further to distrust other women This puts us at a decided disadvantage, as we tend to not seek the counsel of other women in dealing with our lives In the same vein, we hope that men will disclose the inner workings of other men Nothing could be further from the truth, and here’s why Male loyalty is sketchy at best Generally speaking they are first loyal to themselves, then to other men, then to the woman they sleep with If you’re not in one of those categories, in all likelihood, you fall far down in the hierarchy Further, you have to keep in mind that even if he’s not sleeping with you, most men are at least considering the possibility that you might be a good back up He wants you available just in case he needs to break the glass someday (Remember, his first loyalty is to HIMSELF) Men are also territorial I know we like to forget that we are primates, but the facts are what they are His advice is going to be quite questionable More importantly, there are no deep, inner workings with men For the most part, men are what they are Unlike women they’ve been socialized to believe that they’re perfectly okay just the way they are, so what you see is what you get Their behavior tells you everything you need to know about them, but we don’t want to believe it because it’s not what we want to hear He doesn’t show up when he says he will? Doesn’t call after a date? He’s not interested He doesn’t propose after your relationship has reached that critical phase? He doesn’t want to get married At least not to you There are no deep hidden secrets as long as you get real and see what’s in front of your face Further, most male advice involves having the woman acting like a total doormat or idiot One woman I counseled listened to a male friend who advised that she continue a “casual” sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend I hope you know by now why that’s such a bad idea (Don’t Be “Friends” With an Ex) You also have to be wary of your boyfriend’s friends When you break up they’ll start circling like great white sharks in a pool of chum They’ll offer all kinds of “advice” to help you get your guy back, when actuality they’re hoping you’ll break off a little piece for them In other words you’re vulnerable prey An easy lay They are to be avoided just as your ex-boyfriend is to be avoided Besides, trying to figure out “the male viewpoint” is counterproductive What exactly you plan to with this information? It’s like trying to play both hands in a card game incredibly time-consuming with few if any gains What’s in his hand is a whole lot less important to you than what’s in yours Or at least it should be Do you really plan to spend the rest of your life focusing more on what someone else thinks than on what you think? Doesn’t it make more sense to concentrate on what you think? How you feel? What is of greater benefit to you? I suspect that a lot of women spend their time ruminating on what men think in order to avoid focusing on their own thoughts and feelings That will get you nowhere fast Before you can get what you want from a man in a relationship, you have to know what you want You can’t get there by wasting time trying to decipher some non-existent “man code.” Focus on what he does It will tell you all you need to know And lastly, we have to factor in one more issue When I mentioned women eagerly queuing up for relationship advice from men to my husband, he was absolutely flabbergasted As anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a man will tell you, they don’t know jack about relationships Doesn’t mean that men are stupid (I hope I disabused you of that notion long ago), it’s simply that they don’t spend a lot of time thinking about and ruminating on relationships the way women Why? Because men are basically simple creatures: If their needs are being met, they stay If they’re not, they leave In my opinion, that’s the best bit of relationship advice I could give anyone The Hardest Free Lesson of Them All I talk about this Free Lesson a lot, mainly because it’s one that took the best of my skinny years to learn: If a man wants you nothing will keep him away If he doesn’t, nothing will make him stay.™ Sounds simple, doesn’t it (Yes, I made this one up, and contrary to popular belief, it means exactly what it says.) I get a lot, and I mean, A LOT of email asking how can you tell if a guy is into you, or how you can get a guy to stay with you Simple answer is, a guy who is into you acts like a guy who is into you He calls when he says he’ll call He shows up when he says he will A guy who is into you is amazingly forthright and unambiguous about where he’s coming from There are no guessing games or wondering what he “meant by that.” You’ll know and so will everyone around you Women have repeatedly told me this isn’t true There are guys who are “just shy,” or “scared of getting hurt,” or Blah Blah Blah A brief examination of your own life experience will show you otherwise Think about the guys who’ve been into you over the years, but that you weren’t necessarily feeling How hard was it to get rid of them? It was almost impossible, wasn’t it? They were on your six no matter what you did That’s how a guy acts when he wants to be with you Men have been programmed both sociologically and biologically to go after what they want If he’s not doing that, he’s not feeling you Move on Further, a guy who’s into you will let the whole world know it My husband is the shyest most introverted man I’ve ever met, but you can best believe that everybody he knew had heard about me To hear his friends tell it he talked about me incessantly (Still does and we’ve been together for nearly two decades now) On the other hand, a friend of mine dated a guy for a couple of years and he’d made no move toward introducing her to his family Further, when they finally did meet, none of them knew who she was That relationship went nowhere fast There is nothing, and I mean nothing that will make a man stay with you if he doesn’t want to I’ve said it before, you can have all the best sex tricks, cook like Emeril Lagasse, give him your car, credit card and frequent flyer miles and it won’t change a thing He’ll take them, but he still won’t stick around Men are far too self-absorbed to stay with women they don’t want And the women they want don’t have to perform tricks like a circus performer to get them to stay They’ll be there because they want to be I know it hurts; I have so been there But remember your skinny years are all too fleeting It’s far better to face this fact now than wait until you’ve wasted half a decade on something that will never be Here are some of my other books: Hot for Teacher Dark Star (Rock Star sequel, cameo from Try a Little Tenderness) Buttercream Gabriel’s Redemption (Santa Baby sequel) Santa Baby Given (with Lisa G Riley) Stolen (with Lisa G Riley) (Given sequel) Let’s Do it Again Pussycat Death Squad Morning Star (Rock Star sequel) Try a Little Tenderness (cameo from Dark Star) Rock Star Subscribe to my blog and like my Facebook page I post updates on my works-in-progress, and I also have drawings and contests, so don’t miss out roslynhardyholcomb.com .. .Men Aren’t Stupid and Nine Other Free Lessons That Will Change Your Life Copyright July 2012 Roslyn Hardy Holcomb Published by Roslyn... your sake, and for that of any potential offspring When things get hot and heated remind yourself that this guy could be in your life forever, and act accordingly Free Lesson #6 Men Aren’t Stupid. .. rank and serial number A man is only entitled to your name and STD status, and that? ??s only if you’re about to have sex He gets your FICO only when he presents a ring, and not until Otherwise that? ??s