[...]... these or similar options in their friendships By providing a road map about friendships in this book, I hope that men will be able to have the friendships they want Study Group The intention of this book is to improve male friendships The book is based on almost 400 interviews with a diverse group of men who were asked about their friendships To learn about men’s friendships with other men, we constructed... connections with male mentors if their fathers were unavailable 9 Do you have friendships with women that are nonsexual in nature? Most men said they do although marriage can put a crimp in these friendships, as their wives might become jealous 10 Do you learn about friendships from observing female friendships? This question drew the greatest range of responses Some men thought that women’s friendships, ... looking around the poker table tells me that friendships vary in type and intensity Reasonably, that means there must be different definitions for friendship Using the card game as a template, I can see four categories of friendship, each with its own definition: must friendships, trust friendships, rust friendships, and just friendships. 1 A must friend is a best buddy, a member of the inner circle, the... perspectives and guidance on male friendships Chapter 15 focuses on what the Saturday men’s group thought of my findings from this study Chapter 16 frames the importance of friendships and gives men pointers on establishing new friendships or improving the ones they have Back to the Poker Table Do I feel closer to my poker buddies from having looked at them through this lens? Yes This Buddy System helps me understand... book, came to re-evaluate the importance of their friendships 20 UNDERSTANDING MEN’S FRIENDSHIPS Men’s friendships are definitely different from women’s friendships For example, men do not show as much physical affection or offer as many compliments to each other as do women They do not require as much or as intense verbal communication from their male friends Men compete more openly than women, and... society, understand male friendships Chapter 2 features the first of the study findings, asking how the men defined friendships, and Chapter 3 deals with the mechanics of friendships: how friends help each other, what they do together, how they maintain the friendship, and what they do when the friendship is in trouble Chapter 4 illustrates how men view their fathers’ (or other authority figures’) friendships. .. figures’) friendships In Part II, I look at the role of women in friendships, as men often compare their friendships to those of the women in their lives Chapter 5 deals with women’s influence on men’s friendships: Do men emulate women’s friendship? Do men have platonic friendships with women? And, finally, do women (wives) help men with friendships? In addition, Chapter 6 INTRODUCTION 13 features the... friendship Readers can build better friendships by understanding how other men think about them 2 Are friendships important to you? We did not want to assume that all men necessarily thought friendships were needed Although the vast majority did think them important, there were some interesting comments from those who did not value them as much 3 Do you believe you have enough male friends? Most do believe... these guys are engaged in “shoulder-to-shoulder” friendships, friends who interact while doing some activity Women more often have “face-to-face” friendships, in which talking is the primary activity Jeff, who is in his 60s, wonders if something is wrong with him and his friendships He knows a group of guys who talk by phone, e-mail, 17 18 UNDERSTANDING MEN’S FRIENDSHIPS and get together every day in Florida,... about men’s friendships for a while; it wasn’t until I talked to other men that I realized how little understanding men have of their own friendships and how awkward they often feel about them Men can talk about their relationships with their wives or girlfriends at great length (partly because women often push men to talk about relationships) But, when it comes to understanding their friendships with .